Parchaai

Duniya se ladkar,

Duniya se bach kar,

Tujhse ek wada kiya tha mene,

Har pal marr kar

Har pal darr kar,

Tujhe apne pass rakha tha mene,

Darte darte inta darr gaya,

Ki tujhse hi darne laga tha me,

Uss dar ki yaad me din yuhi guzar jata hai,

Dil tujhse na mil sake, toh teri parchai se milna chahta hai.

Aaj duniya diwaani hai,

Mujhse milne ke liye,

Kyun, yeh toh me nahi janta

Par mujhe diwaangi hai,

Tujhse milne ke liye

Kyun, yeh toh me nahi janta.

Uss pagli ka pagal hu me,

 Uss Heer ka Ranjha hun me,

Uss Diwangi ki yaad me din yuhi Guzar jata hai,

Dil tujhse na mil sake, toh teri parchai se milna chahta hai.

Kabhi nahi samjha tune,

 Kabhi nahi jaana tune,

Kitna jalta hun me,

Jab tere saath koi hota hai,

Jab tujhse koi kuch bolta hai,

Kitna sadta hun me,

Tere liye un sabko bhaga diya mene,

Unn sabki tasveeron ko jala diya mene,

Teri bewafiyon me, din yuhi guzar jata hai,

Dil tujhse na mil sake, toh teri ruh se milna chahta hai.

Na jaane me kyun darta tha,

Na jaane me kyun jalta hun,

Jab tu meri kabhi thi hi nahi,

Toh me kyun yeh sochta tha,

Toh me kyun yeh sochta hun,

 Tu meri kabhi hogi hi nahi,

Wapis aaegi tu, me yeh janta hun,

Mere saath rahegi tu, me janta hun

Tab tak

Hamari tesveeron me, teri muskurahat me sama jata hun me,

Aur har pal, bas yehi magta hun me,

Teri yaadon me, din bas yuhi guzar jae,

Tu nahi, toh teri parchai mil jae.

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Excerpt.

We all have our ups and downs,

we build, we break

and sometimes all we need to do is went out.

It’s been months that I haven’t even seen her, I don’t even remember what her voice was like without the radio wave disturbances, I don’t remember what she smelled like when I last met her. All I remember are those eyes on that sad face looking at me at the departures on the Mumbai airport and telling me not to go. I should have heard them, and not the words she said.

I wish, I wish,

With this line,

I land in her arms,

And everything would be fine.

I should drop out, leave everything, but I don’t know why I couldn’t? I guess that’s because I hope it someday turn to be the way it was when I had just started. When she was there in there, at the back stage, behind the scenes, sitting on the chair beside me.

I love it when I was doing all this for her, with her. Now, it feels like I’m obliged to do this. I wish we could still have those hugs before I walk up for something, those stolen kisses during the off field battles, and those endless conversations before I dressed up for the war, or when I came back home.

I wish I could just see her again smiling when I miss a beat, telling me it's going to be okay, holding my hand when I sung a song, bobbing her head to the rhythm and where I could see those eyes against the spotlight again, I wish I could see those eyes against the sun, I wish I could see those eyes now, I wish I could see her.

I loved it, I love her. She is my music and she if couldn’t be with me, how is my music ever going to be with me? It’s better if I quit, rather than being like this. I need to stop.

If I play wrong notes, it’s still music,

If I play without her, it isn’t.

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What hurts, and what doesn't?

What do you count as not being together?

The few months of being away or the fact that you are never going to see them ever again?

Or that you choose to go away from each other but wish to be together?

Or is it being in arms but not in thoughts?

We see losses, we see changes, we see people going away, we see people coming into our lives, well, in this world the only thing that remains constant is change; and changes hurt. Most of us are not very happy with the idea of it altogether, neither am I. A favorite singer, sportsperson, actor, model, dancer, teacher, writer or someone who were the only reason you did something, getting retired, could be heart wrenching for us. The loss of relationships you hold with these people, with a person, with a friend, a relative, with a significant one could be the worst thing that could happen to any of us. As it is said,

Grieving upon the loss of someone who isn't dead,

Is the worst thing a heart needs to do.

In all the thing we do in life, there are a few thing we wish, didn't happen, we wish didn't exist, we wish aren't memories but just dreams. They hurt. It pains in reliving a memory you remember so well that you cannot even cheat it to be a dream. But sometimes, they are what make us.

For a moment let's look back to what we were and then to what we are. Facebook memories might help on this. Changes are what make us. Until there isn't a need for it, we don't grow. Until there is no tearing, there is no rebuilding and without it, what are we? Even though we want the things to be like they were, and we want them to stay like that forever, it just cannot happen.

Growing form a five year old to a twenty year old, from a knocking engine to a super sport, from a crawler to a sprinter, and from a failed relationship to something that would last forever. Everything has changed and you are loving it, you'll love this moment too, you'll miss it, we just don't see it right now, but I hope soon we would. I'm not saying things won't get to where they were, you won't ever be with the person you want to be, or with whom you were, it's just that, things would not be like they were, they would be better.

If things repeated themselves, 

so would their ends. 

If universe stopped making 'new', 

there would never be an 'old'. 

P.S. Why does a pint hurt and a bed of pins doesn't, like seriously? Get back to me in the comments.

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If I Wrote you...

I wish I never met you,

I wish I never saw you,

I wish I never held you,

I wish, I wish there was no you.

I flick through the page the pages of my diary more often than not. I see you crossing by me and even though you look at me, you turn your head away, like I don't exist. I know you think that I don't notice but I see you turn your head and look at me when you've walked away, I've got rear view mirrors. My feet still freeze, my heart still skips a beat and passersby still ask me what am I smiling at and all this while I've been trying to get a closure from you. I just had one question, why? Even though, I guess, I know the answer to that.

I've heard your friends complain why do I still describe you in my writings, while mine complain why do I write unrealistic things. I never wrote about you, I never wrote things that weren't goals. Even if I tried, girl you give me writer's block. I feel like I'm short of words. I could write everything about you, but I could never write you -- because, well, it hurts.

My brain freezes, the world hates me and no one talks to me when I think about you. Not even the people I make up. I have tried so many times but I just couldn't. If I could and if I did, I don't know how many acres of paper I would be writing on, and I don't think I would ever stop writing if I could write you.

All this time, I missed so many chances and escaped so much that now I don't even know what track I was on, from where did I escape? I could have done so much, but all I did was wait. I wish it was never too late to apologize and now I... I'm just glad I never got my closure because that would only mean that it has ended and good things don't need to end. Immortal stories don't end.

If I could write you, I would be the luckiest man on earth.

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Kahin Mile toh Usse Kehna

Waade bahot kiye the tujhse,

Koi bhi pura nahi kar saka mein,

Koshishein puri ki thi mene,

Par koi koshish puri nahi kar saka mein,

Tujhe khush rakhne ka waada kar,

Teri hassi ka qatil bana me,

Unn yaadon me jeeta hun,

Jinme me tera na ho saka me,

Waqt ke harr pal badalne se pareshaan hun,

Fir bhi har lamha teri yaad me bita raha hun me,

Kahin mile toh usse kehna,

Harr waada nibha raha hun me.

Kehna toh bahot kuch hai,

Par magar me keh nahi pata,

Mohabatton ka tufaan sama hai mujhme,

Magar me jataa nahi pata,

Tere darwaze pe baitha rehta hun,

Na jaane tu kab laut aae,

Nahi aaegi yeh janta hun,

Par dil yeh samjh nahi pata,

Dil ke lagataar dhadkne se pareshaan hun,

Fir bhi har dhadkan tere naam sajha raha hun me,

Kahin mile toh usse kehna,

Har waada nibha raha hun me.

Unn rasto pe chalta hun,

Jinpe teri yaad basti hai,

Jinpe teri muskurahat,

Aur teri chaal ki masti hai,

Dua karta hun ki aaj tujhe dekh saku,

Chahe door se ek jhalak hi sahi,

Kyunki meri duniya thamb jati hai

Jab tu hasti hai.

Sadkon ke yunn achanak mudne se pareshaan hun,

Fir bhi har mod pe tera naam daura raha hun me,

Kahin mile toh usse kehna

Harr waada nibha raha hun me.

Chahe samundrah tere pair chuhe,

Maaf tu mujhe kabhi karegi nahi,

Galti meri thi me janta hun,

Par kya ek kadam bhi tu chalegi nahi?

Tere liye me milon bhaga hun,

Harr cheeze chod di jo mujhe pyaari thi,

Ek baar mujhse baat toh karle,

Meri ruh itni jalegi nahi,

Aatmao ki yeh gazab mulakaat se pareshaan hun,

Fir bhi teri naarazgi ki wajha raha hun me,

Kahin mile toh usse kehna,

Harr waada nibha raha hun me.

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A Dog Tale

You know I had this dog. Well, um, I didn't own it, it was a stray dog, but I felt like I own it.

There was this thing about it, whenever it saw me enter my building or if I passed by it would bark at me. Always. I thought it barks at everyone so I tired to see over it from outside the gate a few times. It was nowhere to be seen even if the mailman passed by. I thought it has something to do with my odour so I thought it would bark at my family too, now they don't have the same smell but it got similar but, well, it didn't bark. I thought it was his thing with the people with briefcase, so I looked over at him when a man with a briefcase passed by. It came up, wagging it's tail sniffed at the briefcase, probably smelling his lunch and then walked away. Nothing else, not even growling.

It barked only at me and soon it started to haunt me. Whenever I left for work or got back home or had to even go downstairs the first thought would always be, "It's going to be there." Finally, I gave up on wondering and agreed to the fact the it is always going to be there no matter what. I just got used to it barking. It became like the local train announcement for me. Even though I know what station it is, it just tells me. You just settle in.

One day, I got home from work and it didn't bark. Well, I couldn't care less. Another day passed and then another and I didn't see it. On the fourth day, I started getting worried. Where is it? I searched for it, bought biscuits but didn't see it anywhere. I asked the watchman, he said he never saw a dog like that. Where is my dog?

Now I wonder, if instead of passing by it everyday and shooing it away, if I had only stopped once and petted it, I would have know why it barks. 

Does this happens with thoughts too? When they get old do they just die? Do the memories fade? Do they not haunt you anymore when you let go? Do you miss them? Do they come back? Just like the way I want my dog to come back. Even though they hurt right now they will someday become the best memories and probably you are going to wish they stay with you forever. Memories hurt but they are what make us, they are the cutest gift we have got. 

Anyways, tell me if you see my dog, it is the cutest thing alive.

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Is it Worth it?

We at one point have fought for things that we believed would make us happy.

We have believed that things that are not ours, will make us happy when they are.

We have fallen into battles that aren't even ours, to become happy.

And when the storm settles, we ask ourselves was it worth it?

We bruise ourselves, we cut ourselves, we punish ourselves. Our wounds from the battle wouldn't heal for years. They are going to stay, even if they heal there are going to be battle scars, a lot of them. I'm no warrior, but on second thought, aren't we all? We fight through the day to get where we want to be, we think about it all the time and it sure does hurt. The pain at times isn't bare-able. We think about the times when we would win and it is such a dream.

At start we could see the goal, it is right there, that glowing light, yes, that's it! Years into battle, we are lost in a mine field.. The light disappeared and right now you don't even know where you stand. You quit. Or sometime you don't, you just fight long enough to become a light yourself. We mould ourselves, shape ourselves, make ourselves, we become the best versions of ourselves and when we reach our goals and break our shells get out of our cocoon; people say, you've changed a lot.

People we did everything for, people we wished would look up on us, people we wished would stay with us forever, end up saying you've changed a lot. As much as we love what we are, we hate ourselves for what we did. We fought with all our might to get something probably we din't even want ourselves at first. Sometimes we believe it is only the tough path to get where we want to be, couldn't the easy way be right? You know...

Before we start our fight,

Before we are even close to our goal,

Before people start asking it,

Before we regret and ask everyone,

Couldn't we for once ask ourselves, 

Is it worth it?

P.S. You could have a bath for life, and still smell like fish. It's not worth it. Start skipping today.

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