Is it Worth it?

We at one point have fought for things that we believed would make us happy.

We have believed that things that are not ours, will make us happy when they are.

We have fallen into battles that aren't even ours, to become happy.

And when the storm settles, we ask ourselves was it worth it?

We bruise ourselves, we cut ourselves, we punish ourselves. Our wounds from the battle wouldn't heal for years. They are going to stay, even if they heal there are going to be battle scars, a lot of them. I'm no warrior, but on second thought, aren't we all? We fight through the day to get where we want to be, we think about it all the time and it sure does hurt. The pain at times isn't bare-able. We think about the times when we would win and it is such a dream.

At start we could see the goal, it is right there, that glowing light, yes, that's it! Years into battle, we are lost in a mine field.. The light disappeared and right now you don't even know where you stand. You quit. Or sometime you don't, you just fight long enough to become a light yourself. We mould ourselves, shape ourselves, make ourselves, we become the best versions of ourselves and when we reach our goals and break our shells get out of our cocoon; people say, you've changed a lot.

People we did everything for, people we wished would look up on us, people we wished would stay with us forever, end up saying you've changed a lot. As much as we love what we are, we hate ourselves for what we did. We fought with all our might to get something probably we din't even want ourselves at first. Sometimes we believe it is only the tough path to get where we want to be, couldn't the easy way be right? You know...

Before we start our fight,

Before we are even close to our goal,

Before people start asking it,

Before we regret and ask everyone,

Couldn't we for once ask ourselves, 

Is it worth it?

P.S. You could have a bath for life, and still smell like fish. It's not worth it. Start skipping today.

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What is love? It is... felt.

It's always been easier to stay shut than to talk.

It's always been easier to talk than to do.

It's always been easier to do than to feel.

I met a girl the other day and she said, "You know Ronak?"

I said, "Yes."

"Have you seen him with how deeply he loves his girl? I want someone to love me like that."

We wish things in our lives were the way they are in someone else's, it's because the lust we have for successful things. In a fast pacing world everyone likes to walk through shortcuts, and we are always searching for them, rather than trying to run on the actual path.

Love is not something where you go, Happy!!! Happy!! Happy! Happy. We fought. Sad! Sad!! Sad!!! We fought again. I don't think it's working, we need to break up. It's about mending things that went wrong, it about understanding why something happened and about feeling the pain.

It probably isn't about showing love actively, it's about the little things you do for them and they don't even know about. It's like changing their favorite pen's refill and never mentioning it. Believe me even though you think they don't notice it, real love does.

It probably isn't about going for movies, to dinner, or planning dates, to spend quality time. You could sit together for hours without saying a word and have quality time. You could be lazing around at home the entire day ad spend quality time.

It probably isn't about going to clubs and getting high before you get on the dance floor, it is about looking into their eyes and getting high, before you share an earphone and dance on the street, you may not even need music.

It probably isn't all about the moves you can do on EDM, it is like that heart felt dance on the dhol.

It probably is only about facing everything together and not just the happy part of the relationship before you split. It probably is all about making time from your 24-hour busy schedule, on days where you can't catch enough sleep and looking at them once in the entire day. Or probably it is only about making that call before they go to sleep and asking how their day was.

I guess it's not about flooding the social media with your pictures and talking smooth. Probably Ronak doesn't love his girl, or probably he does, it just doesn't show it in his eyes. However, I love the way she looks at them and I'm gonna let it stay.

P.S. All the characters are fictional and do not have anything to do with people of any caste, race, sex or tribe. Also, no animals were harmed during the making of this post.

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Don't Fall in Love - Rise

Why do we fall in love, when it is said to be one of the strongest emotions?

Why do we fall in love, when it is said to be element that makes someone?

Why do we fall in love, and not rise in love?

We as people we are, do not know a lot of things about the world we live in. Each time we wish to learn something new, we develop ourselves enough to understand it, to learn it, to memorize and use it. We make ourselves, better, we develop, we rise to a level higher than we were. Love is the most beautiful thing and we should rise, not fall. Or maybe the love we seek is weaker than the love we have and we need to fall for it?

When we meet someone, when our eyes meet for the first time, we let our guard down. We let them into our deepest thoughts, we let them into our lives, maybe it's our guard that falls. 

You look at them, angry, frustrated, pissed and for the first time in your life, instead of thinking "who cares?" you go and ask them, "what's wrong", you let you ego down, maybe ego is what falls. 

You have priorities, you have plans you have a life beyond them, they probably know everything about, but they don't know you are going to visit a friend or going to a party, a movie, or a cosplay and they call you up and say "meet me", and even though it was important you cancel on it and go to meet them, maybe it's other priorities that fall. 

No matter how good your day was, there could be one little thing that makes you angry and you are completely raged up, smashing that little tin can on our way home. You unlock the door and the give you a hug, and you melt, it brings back every single memory you had and you fall in love with her all over again, maybe it's our anger that falls.

You need to fall, to rise. When you fall so deeply, there will always be a hand to pull you up, and when they do, you are going to stand taller than ever before. That's the power of love, and I guess that is why you need to fall in it. Fall in love harder and rise stronger, don't waste it on someone you believe is worth it.

Only after the fall of a grapevine, you see a raisin. Sorry.

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Grey

What is grey?

A pigment? Between black and white?

Or a definition of dull, nondescript, or it's just being faceless?

We live in world where everyone wants to be renowned and eminent or enclosed and unknown. No one wants to be a commoner; no one wants to be grey. It's always black and white.

I live in a city, no one knows where I am, what I do, who am I? Sometimes, even I don't. If I knock at my own door and shout, "Hey! It's me!" then at the receiving end, I'm definitely going to ask, "Me who?". We all have a definition, we have fixated answers to the questions everyone asks us.

"Who are you?"

"What do you do?"

"Where do you live?"

"What do you wish to be?"

We were taught these in the school, right? It was a 5 marks question! We had to mug it up, there was no way around. It was going to decide if I'm going to get an A+ or a B  , it was going to decide if I'm ever going to get into one of those Ivy League School, it was my entry pass to NASA, it was going to decide if I was ever going to touch the moon. Or was it? If it was then why did we never ask it to ourselves. 

I'm in my room a 4-way closed wall surrounds me when I'm writing this, door locked, it post-midnight, I'm enclosed. I'm dark.

I got this idea when I was sitting with my bud at the beach, where the cold breeze hit my face. I'm bright

But it's the 3rd time I'm writing it, to check for mistakes (there are many), because I love my readers and this is for them. I'm grey.

I either eat super-healthy foods, salad and boiled eggs and hit the gym or I'm stuffing pizzas in my mouth laying in my pajamas, there's no in between, but I attended a friend's marriage yesterday, and had curry rice, am I grey?

I'm either awake till sunrise, or wake with sunrise, but some days I have different schedules, am I grey?

I don't wait at all, anywhere; or wait till it's time, but I hurry when I'm late, am I grey?

I dress like a drug addict, or for a party, but I have pairs of jeans and casual T-shirts, am I grey?

I'm in the wild, or in this room, but I attend college, where I learned to right, am I grey?

I don't meet people for days, or I'm out partying, but I reply to texts of people who need me, am I grey?

I read an entire bookshelf or entire syllabus in a day, or not a word, but I have an exam I need to prepare for, and I'm writing, am I grey?

I've loved with my entire soul, and hated with every gut in me, but I've never hated someone I love, and have come to love people I used to hate, am I grey?

We are all grey, neither us is black or white. We wish to be sometimes, and we are at times, but you can't be dark forever, and brightness fades too. What we do? How we do it? When we do it? Are things that define us. Nothing matters more than what you are and what you wish to be. Nothing. But to get to where you want to be, you have to go through society, and it is grey.

We are black, we are white, we are Black and White, we are Grey.

Remember, you need to go through 50 before yo become white or black.

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My Sunshine

I thought you were My Sunshine,

But you were a black cloud,

A thunder storm that never faded,

For it rained and thundered, the storm was loud.

I though you were My Sunshine,

But you were just a "why?",

You came in my life, like a cyclone,

And just like the monsoon skies, the clouds cry.

I thought you were My Sunshine,

But I'm the pirate and you were just a scar,

I thought you'd stay with me,

But you just walked away, as far as a star.

I though you were My Sunshine,

But you were just a phase, of us together,

All you said was bye,

What happened to those promises of forever?

I thought you were My Sunshine,

But you were my poems and my rhyme,

All you turned out to be was a  page,

That I wish decays with time,

I thought you were My Sunshine,

But I curse, I swear, because each day I've died,

Waiting for you to come back,

Be again by my side,

I thought you were My Sunshine,

You still are, and forever will be,

My heart still beats your name,

And I'll try, and I'll fight, for 'we'.

For I know you are My Sunshine,

And I killed myself in search of you,

 You are now afraid of me,

I'm dead, but have only loved you.

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The Letter

What should you do when all hell breaks loose? Cry? Give up? Fight?

He cried to the stars at night. Alone. When no one saw him.

He gave up on everything in life. No. Everything except her.

He stands up like a warrior. Broken. He still fights though.

I have been meeting this guy from like a month now, and took me hell lot of time and what do you call it? Manipulating? To take things out of him, and now, finally he spoke up. This is a letter from dear someone to dearest someone, I hope this letter finds you in good health and for once, wherever you are whatever you are doing, make a minute from your life and talk to him.

You should just look at him when he takes you name.

The glittering of his eyes.

The shivering in his voice.

The chills that run down his spine.

If you have made this far into reading this, please hit that share button, that +1 and do retweet! Let us make this reach her! I don't know why he loves you, but just open your eyes! I don't know if she has moved on, I don't know if she's even active socially, but I know she's a reader, and

 it's her birthday today, 

so let's prepare a surprise like this guy always did.

P.S. If I could write a nine-page long letter then type it and edit it, then you sure could share it, this is an attempt for this guy, who isn't ready to give up on his love.

P.P.S. These are the exact words he said, I'm just the medium (and the grammar guy) trying to make a shout and well he doesn't know about this, I'm just supporting, please help me in helping him.
Yes the names are changed, not written or in initials, but she would know who we are talking to.

***

Aisha, you know I'm probably very strong     intellectually, I learn quickly, understand things and I have a hand at math too; but I'm not that good mentally, because I'm not very good at handling uncertainty. It's been 3 years since we broke up and I still cannot accept that we have. The world reminds me very day, but I know they are all lying, now aren't they?

You know I still hope that one day when I go to my floor, up in the elevator and when that door opens, Iyouwould be sitting there on the stairs. I'll look at you and give you that 'what?' look I always gave you when you stared at me with that wry smile, and you would walk up to me, and we are going to have the tightest hug we ever had. Or you know you are just going to keep that 7 years later promise we made, meeting after we are done with are studies? Remember? So one fine evening when I walk home from office, everyone, your mom, dad, uncle, aunt, your sister, your little brother who won't be little anymore, and     you, everyone is sitting at my place with my mom and dad and brother and they are just talking and laughing and gossiping. I walk in, a little shocked, and look at you sitting under that photo frame you used to stare at, and you say "hey'", "what are you guys   ", "We are getting married."

***

I miss you every second that I'm away from you and every time I saw you passing by, on your scooty, walking or just got a glance of you from a distant mile, my love doubled for you. If we had not wasted these years in being away, and I would have got a chance to see you every day, probably we would have moved in and I got to see you every five minutes, now just think how lucky would I have been to love you so much.

But you know what did I not miss? The man... I mean the kid I was, he was so weak and fragile and...

I told you about how I took my cousins out to celebrate my SSC board results and how they made fun of me, and how they called me names, and how I was the unwilling clown of the day and how they ruined my day, how it made me feel so bad about myself, and why I did not back answer them, well, now I would say that I couldn't; and do you remember what you did? You laughed.

I told you about how my dad thinks I have a spark in me and I could do anything I wish. You know how important it is for me that my dad praises me? That he says something good about me? And do you remember what you did? You laughed.

You remember... I... I... I slapped you, once? I'm still so sorry about that and I wish I never had done that, I'm so, so sorry. But at that moment I was falling weak because you were not comfortable with all those stones poking in your feet. You could have just kept my slippers on, you didn't need to remove them, or we could have sat somewhere. At that moment, I felt weak because you wouldn't listen and I hid my weakness with my anger because I thought you would laugh.

You asked me for one thing in that entire phase we went through, you asked me to meet you dad once. You asked a guy who was afraid that if doesn't leave at that exact moment, he would be late for his coaching classes, to meet your dad? I was afraid Aisha, why would he accept me, I'm nothing, why would he let us be together, why would any dad do that, I was afraid     of losing you     and that fear took you away from me.

You told me that your dad told you that I would abandon you one day *chuckles* it went the other way around though. I'm sorry not my point. You know when you said that, for the first time I saw a tear drop rolling down your cheeks, a tear from a strong woman like you. Yes, I hugged you, I kissed your tears away, I was strong, but after you left I had my own sob story. I fell on my knees, weak, thinking how weak my love was to even let you think that.

So I don't miss that kid anymore, he was weak and I'm glad he's dead, or at least he's not dominant anymore. You taught me how it doesn't matter what people say about you when you are above them, they'll always throw some stones, you could fly higher or fall down, you taught me that my dad praising me shouldn't be the reason I try, it should be the outcome after I've tried, that he should take pride in it and not give me false hopes, you taught me to be tough, you taught me to love harder, with everything I have in me, and I still love you. I learnt that I could be anything in front of you and you would accept me, except a weak me. In these years, I don't know if I grew up, because I still slurp at my frooti, but I did grow strong.

***

You know I personally never liked you friends, but well I guess that's because I don't like my friends too. Well, your friends, why on earth did they have to spoil my every surprise. Yes, I'm talking about you SW, like seriously, why?

I just never liked your best friend, she ruined so many of my dates, they were not dates for the ideal world, but they were the world to me! For an hour in the entire day, after my college, my classes, my practices and after every damn thing, I get to meet you and she calls you up, tells you to come over, it was some stupid thing with her and we had to cancel.

And you know, I agree I talked to SW, I agree I never liked football and still don't, but I talked football with her, but you read our conversations right, they were long but you did read where they started and ended? I asked her every time that did she ask you; and if she could make us talk once again, solve our little fight. I agree I talked to your best friend too over the phone, but ask her what was the first thing I spoke. I thought it worked too, for you called me, exactly seventeen minutes later, but I never knew we are going to fight on the phone, but I still thought we are good when we started talking again after it. I never messaged or called any of your friends after that, until I realized how wrong I was, when two weeks later we broke up.

You know if it was up to me, and your friends would still have been in contact with me, I swear I would have done it all over again. Hoping that would at least talk to me right now, just this time I would not expect a "I love you", or "Let's meet" or ever a "HI, how are you?", though I have thought of so many conversations with you and how they would go when we meet. This time I would expect you to be really pissed at me, but at least you would talk to me.

But you know, for once let me praise your friends, instead of blaming them for 'you' - 'me'. if your best friend wouldn't have been there, 'we' would have never been, and probably I would have never become friends with her boyfriend and he would have never turned out to be a brother to me, though I blame him too for 'you' -'me', but still. If it wasn't for SW, we would have not talked when I was at that overnight picnic to Lonavala. If it wasn't for KB, we would have never talked again after we were caught by your uncle, and if KB never told me you like that greeting card at that shop in middle of Matunga, I would have never got to see your face when I told you "You should move on, forget about me, I'm dying... blood cancer... I know you wouldn't believe, so I bought my reports along" and you held that card in that cover for entire three minutes before you pulled out and shouted "I knew it, what hospital make red reports? Tell me?" I could still see your face, I remember it so well, that shock, awe, gasping and hyped heartbeats. I'm sorry but I love you, and I love the faces you make.

***

Even though probably we didn't do so well, but we had our moments, and you know what they are enough for me to live a life with them. I would rather die thinking of them, over making new ones with someone else. I hope you still have my white Samsung earphones. You kept them in your pink pants. I just love those pants by the way.

Walking with you and teasing you, pulling your legs and hugging you after that, these are the moment I still cherish, but I would never forget the face you had when I gifted you that ambigram and you looked at me like, like I looked at you every time we stood under that leaning tree. Walking back home with you after our classes and walking to classes and getting late every time for that morning lecture is something I still miss.

Do you still wonder why I gave you that white rose and not red? And do you still feel the need to ask me where do I keep my locker keys? My Facebook passwords is still the same, you could use my ID, only the login notifications are on, because I just want to know if you still do. Please use it once. Do you still eat dairy milk silk? I just want to know, because next time we meet, I would bring one with me and when you say you need to leave and you are getting late, I would pull it out, and say I forgot that I bought it for you and you just couldn't say no to it, and I would get those extra fifteen minutes with you. I wish to give another prelims or exams, because we shared the class and I could stare at you through the exam time and when you look back and go "what?" I would just pretend I was thinking. Or give that geography exam again and attempt extras and make you wonder if I completed that. Or that algebra exam where you lost five marks and cried? We could even keep that no hugging week challenge again, and I could you know... probably say nothing more without breaking down now. I guess that kid woke up. He says, he's sorry and that he too, loves you.

You know I don't know if you love me anymore, heck I don't know if you even think about me, do I even cross your mind? But I have come to love this idea of feeling raw, where you know for once I could do what I want. The entire world is onto me, "stop thinking about her", "She is not coming back", "don't expect anything" and I could for once tell them all that "I don't expect anything, I dream, I wish" and that I could love you without a reason and no one could stop me, not even you.

People ask me if I could move on, I say I don't want to. They say I'm never going to be happy with you, they don't know anything, do they? People say... well they say a lot of things, who cares? But, you know why I love you? Even I don't.

You know what I miss about you? 

Walking with you, miles, especially against the sun, so I could see your hazel eyes glimmering.

You sending me 95 messages when I'm mad at you and don't even text you through the day. Reminding me everything we had and saying sorry so many times!

Listening at a crying you because you thought I was dead in a bus crash in Jammu. Prepaid phones don't work there sweetheart!

You not letting me hold you, but you clinging onto my arm.

You calling me at 3 a.m. because you are afraid of under bed monsters.

You pacing up your words to fit a long story in a small span so that you could talk more, and then laughing because you could no longer control your pace.

Telling me things several times, saying it just like the way you told them first.

You looking away and laughing when you were mad at me because you don't want me to see you laugh or I'll stop trying.

You know what I miss about you?

When I hugged you from behind, whenever you were waiting for me or sat in my chair, or on your scooty, or it's just every time I came to meet you and you did. 

Mish 

Mish mish mish

mish mish

*look at me from the corner of the eye* 

mish.

(I didn't know how to write this, mish the noise you make by clicking your tongue when someone irritates you or is not listening to you or you are pissed. Try it, do one line at a time, stop for two seconds before you hop to next, it's such a cute rhythm.)

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FIGHT - An Attempt at Apology

What should you do when all hell breaks loose? Cry? Give up? Fight?

He cried to the stars at night. Alone. When no one saw him.

He gave up on everything in life. No. Everything except her.

He stands up like a warrior. Broken. He still fights though.

I have been meeting this guy from like a month now, and took me hell lot of time and what do you call it? Manipulating? To take things out of him, and now, finally he spoke up. This is a letter from dear someone to dearest someone, I hope this letter finds you in good health and for once, wherever you are whatever you are doing, make a minute from your life and talk to him.

You should just look at him when he takes you name.

The glittering of his eyes.

The shivering in his voice.

The chills that run down his spine.

If you have made this far into reading this, please hit that share button, that +1 and do retweet! Let us make this reach her! I don't know why he loves you, but just open your eyes! I don't know if she has moved on, I don't know if she's even active socially, but I know she's a reader, and

 it's her birthday today, 

so let's prepare a surprise like this guy always did.

P.S. If I could write a nine-page long letter and then type it and edit it, then you sure could share it, this is an attempt for this guy, who isn't ready to give up on his love.

P.P.S. These are the exact words he said, I'm just the medium (and the grammar guy) trying to make a shout and well he doesn't know about this, I'm just supporting, please help me in helping him.
Yes the names are changed, not written or in initials, but she would know who we are talking to.

Read a part from his apology here or Read his full letter HERE and please share to make his voice reach her!

***

Aisha, you know I'm probably very strong     intellectually, I learn quickly, understand things and I have a hand at math too; but I'm not that good mentally, because I'm not very good at handling uncertainty. It's been 3 years since we broke up and I still cannot accept that we have. The world reminds me every day, but I know they are all lying, now aren't they?

You know I still hope that one day when I go to my floor, up in the elevator and when that door opens, you would be sitting there on the stairs. I'll look at you and give you that 'what?' look I always gave you when you stared at me with that wry smile, and you would walk up to me, and we are going to have the tightest hug we ever had. Or you know you are just going to keep that 7 years later promise we made, meeting after we are done with are studies? Remember? So one fine evening when I walk home from office, everyone, your mom, dad, uncle, aunt, your sister, your little brother who won't be little anymore, and     you, everyone is sitting at my place with my mom and dad and brother and they are just talking and laughing and gossiping. I walk in, a little shocked, and look at you sitting under that photo frame you used to stare at, and you say "hey'", "what are you guys   ", "We are getting married."

I miss you every second that I'm away from you and every time I saw you passing by, on your scooty, walking or just got a glance of you from a distant mile, my love doubled for you. If we had not wasted these years in being away, and I would have got a chance to see you every day, probably we would have moved in and I got to see you every five minutes, now just think how lucky would I have been to love you so much.

You know I don't know if you love me anymore, heck I don't know if you even think about me, do I even cross your mind? But I have come to love this idea of feeling raw, where you know for once I could do what I want. The entire world is onto me, "stop thinking about her", "She is not coming back", "don't expect anything" and I could for once tell them all that "I don't expect anything, I dream, I wish" and that I could love you without a reason and no one could stop me, not even you.

People ask me if I could move on, I say I don't want to. They say I'm never going to be happy with you, they don't know anything, do they? People say... well they say a lot of things, who cares? But, you know why I love you? Even I don't.

You know what I miss about you? 

Walking with you, miles, especially against the sun, so I could see your hazel eyes glimmering.

You sending me 95 messages when I'm mad at you and don't even text you through the day. Reminding me everything we had and saying sorry so many times!

Listening at a crying you because you thought I was dead in a bus crash in Jammu. Prepaid phones don't work there sweetheart!

You not letting me hold you, but you clinging onto my arm.

You calling me at 3 a.m. because you are afraid of under bed monsters.

You pacing up your words to fit a long story in a small span so that you could talk more, and then laughing because you could no longer control your pace.

Telling me things several times, saying it just like the way you told them first.

You looking away and laughing when you were mad at me because you don't want me to see you laugh or I'll stop trying.

You know what I miss about you?

When I hugged you from behind, whenever you were waiting for me or sat in my chair, or on your scooty, or it's just every time I came to meet you and you did. 

Mish 

Mish mish mish

mish mish

*look at me from the corner of the eye* 

mish.

(I didn't know how to write this, mish the noise you make by clicking your tongue when someone irritates you or is not listening to you or you are pissed. Try it, do one line at a time, stop for two seconds before you hop to next, it's such a cute rhythm.)

Read His full letter HERE and please share to make his voice reach her!
Do like and share

Support my movement #makeherlisten

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FUMBLE

Do you believe in stars? Astrology? Nor did I.

Do you believe in fate? I do, and I believe that however adverse thing might seem right now, somethings are meant to be, and they'll fix no matter what.

I'm 19, and this is a note to someone I may have met, or might meet in the future.

I'm an old-school lover, and once I say it to you no matter what    we fumble, we fight, we don't fit, we split up, you walk away, I'm always going to be yours. I'll try to fix everything till I'm bleeding because for me there is no turning back, and I'm sure I won't regret in fact I'll take pride in it. No matter what are our chances of getting back, no matter what the world says, I'm gonna fight until I have you back.

I take pride in the people I love and the little things I do for them. I'm going to buy you everything that catches my eye, I'll buy you the most expensive gifts and spend all my savings down on your every birthday. If it's not your birthday, I just love to surprise you, and well all of these don't count to me so never mention them, I do that so once in a while I could see awing and smiling, and if you wish to mention, smile when you are wearing them. Your smile is what counts to me. But if you don't like something I do or if I fumble, say it. It's not going to hurt, I'll do everything else for you, and also things I've never done for myself. Just never say something condemning about people I love, for a matter of fact even about yourself. I'm going to get really pissed if you do so, and it's not going to be a good day, if it was already bad for you, it's going to be worse; because for me, you could never fail, but if you do I fail with you and I don't like the smell of failure. Don't worry, I regret soon when I get pissed at my loved ones, I'm going to be back with you in about an hour, apologizing and then we are going to fight, even if you don't want to. I'll do whatever it takes to back you up and I might even just stand in front of you and take a bullet, but the fight is still yours.

I wish I could take pride in showing my emotions, but well, I don't show them. I feel weak when I speak my heart, I feel vulnerable, I feel I'm going to be laughed at, so I'll not talk to you for a few days, but once I'm over it, you have to listen to every minute detail of it, and don't you dare say you need to go when I'm talking, say it before I start, not when I'm speaking. So probably when you are with me, I'll speak a lot but I don't speak up important things like "How much I love you", I show them. I could write books about you, and I would show it in gestures because you are always on my mind, all you need you do is read me. But, once in a while, I fumble, I'll probably vent out, and when I do, understand I do not cry or beg in front of people, but even if I'm at the verge if either, just understand what I'm going through, but don't laugh or sympathize, just say "It's going to be okay" or "Shit happens" and even if it doesn't, I'll believe it, because you said it.

I take pride in what I spend on you and it's revenge-time for me if you spend even a penny or extra second of your life on me and I'm going to make up for it. You can call it my ego; I'm a nut job. Somehow, I don't like the sight of people. I feel they can't stand good things and you are the best thing on this planet! So we are going to click a lot of pics, if we don't I'll have a lot of pictures of you but I'm never going to upload any. I'll frame them and put them all over my place and when someone asks me who is she, they are going to listen to the best story of their lives, but, I won't go door to door telling everyone. Even though I'm introvert I love going out with you — only you, and we'll go everywhere you say, but if I say I don't have enough cash on me, let's go tomorrow or let's go somewhere else today, yes you could pay, but it's going to be when you wish and when my pocket are full, not empty. It might not matter to you regarding who pays, but it does hurt me if you have to pay because my pockets were empty. Revenge time, remember?

No matter how many mistakes you make it's never going to matter to me, 

for all that counts to me is your effort. The effort you put in 

'us'.

Yes, I'm a nut job, ask anyone who knows me, 

but you are loved with all I have in me.

If I ever say to you, "to the moon and back", I mean it, and I mean a life, because you could drive a car to the moon and back with the energy a heart produces in a life. 

Yes, I took up science.

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3 Pints of Beer

How could I find a way out if I'm afraid?

I know man, it's hard.

But do I have a choice?

Ab toh baatein bhi band hai,

Khuda ke darwaaze bhi band hai.

Darr laga rehta hai,

Fir bhi dil yeh kehta hai,

Kaise jaun?

Kya batau?

Zyaada taiyaar hoke, affection dikhau?

Ya aise hi jaa kar coincidence dikhau?

Photo? Nahi hai.

Portfolio? Nahi hai.

Photo dekh ke kya karega?

Shakal se pyaar bhi nahi hai,

Uski ruh se pyaar hai,

Bas uske mann ne ka intezaar hai.

Darr laga rehta hai,

Fir bhi dil yeh kehta hai,

Date kar rahi hai kya woh?

Kya milne jaati hai kisiko?

Haan, toh me jaun ki nahi?

Nahi, toh me jaun ki nahi?

At first glance? Nahi bhai.

Take a chance? Nahi bhai.

Ab toh hamara milna hi koi sanjog hai,

Uske college ke idher jaun? Nahi yaar bahot log hai.

Classes ke udher jaun? Nahi 10 minute baad uska curfew hour hai.

Ya usse uss restaurant me bulaun? Jo bridge ke uss paar hai?

Darr laga rehta hai,

 Fir bhi dil yeh kehta hai,

Dost se kehkar bula toh lunga usse,

Par backfire hua toh kaise manaunga usse?

Internship karti hai toh kya uske office jaun?

Ya fir chalte hue milun aur engine pe ilzaam lagau?

Ruk jaa bhai zara shaanti se bata mujhe.

Pheli baar kis college me dikhi thi woh tujhe?

Usko abhi phone lagaun aur sab bata dun?

Ya uske ghar jaake sab suna dun?

Himmat se jaunga, par himmat kidher se laun?

Kya 3 pint beer peeke jaun?

Darr laga rehta hai,

Par dil yeh kehta hai,

Yaar uss din dikhi thi,

College se aate hue,

Friend se saath thi,

Baat karte hue.

Fir, fir kya hua?

Kya kuch kuch hua?

Agar college late nahi jaata uss din me.

2 train chod ke nahi rukta doston ke binn me,

Agar nahi poochta woh bhala aadmi mujhse rasta unjaana

Toh nahi dikhta usse uss ka dewaana,

Darr laga rehta hai,

Fir bhi dil yeh kehta hai

Helmet ka flap usne jab uthaya,

Aur apni aakhon ko meri aankhon se milaya,

Kasam  khuda ki, uske chehre ka rang udd gaya,

Jab me usse dekh muskuraya, aur hawa ka ruk mudd gaya.

Naam kya hai uska?

Chehra kaisa hai uska?

Bhool gai woh khud woh kya bol rahi thi,

Waqt ruk gaya aur hamari alag duniya ban gai thi,

Tujhe dekhna hai, toh samajh jannat jaisi dikthi hai,

Kaash aisa ho ki woh aaj bhi mujhpe marti hai,

Darr laga rehta hai,

Par aaj bhi yeh dil kehta hai,

Ki aae zindagi mujhse daga na kar,

Me uss se durr rahun yeh dua na kar,

Baahon me sama lun, aur woh kabhi durr na jae,

Harr mod, harr gali hum ek duje ka saath paye,

Jaa yaar, mil le uss se ek baar,

Keh de karta hai tu uss se pyaar,

Jana toh me bhi chahta hun par yeh pair saath nahi dete,

Kabhi ek dukhta hai, toh kabhi dusra hatt jata hai peeche

Jana toh chahta hun par kaise jaun?

Kya me 3 pint beer peeke jaun?

P.S. I don't consume alcohol.

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FORCE

The net acceleration produced in a body is directly proportional to the applied force and inversely proportional to the mass of the body.

F=ma

Newton's Law of Motion,

Even though the man, made laws to make us understand the motion of a body, everything seems to have a deeper meaning.

Sometimes we wish the things were not the way they are, we wish our lives had followed a different path, we wish people understood, but well, you could force things to move, not people. You try to make them understand; feel what you feel with all you have and against all you know, until there's no one standing on your side, not even you.

"It is impossible, I'll never reach there, it's time I learn and give u  " and then you meet someone who gives you FAITH and then you fight again against everyone until    your faith dies. But then, you meet another person who gives you another way to the same address and new will for another day, and then comes in another person and then another and you meet these 'faith's on mere coincidences.

We come across incidences, people and things every day and even though they seem coincidences they are not. The Universal Force is not that lazy.

The universe has its own flow, it goes the way it wishes to, you could either fight the flow of the force or enjoy it. Enjoy it? No, I'm not telling you to stop fighting, I'm not telling you to give up and sit back, I'm telling you take a minute, sit back and think, think about where do you wish to be, first why? And then how? Overcome the FEAR and explore; the depths, the heights, the bright side you are at and the dark spot you haven't so far. Think about the blocked paths, and the paths that you haven't tried yet, leave yourself free, flow with the force, don't pressurize, fly, just maintain that slight angle and let the universe guide you; and those flames in you, keep them alive, for that will make you different, distinct.

Believe that sometimes the only way out of darkness is through it, understand that faith lies within, it's not external. Hope, however, could be. Understand the difference between "there will be" of faith and "there should be" of hope, believe the in 'faith's you met in coincidences, and now believe that coincidences don't exist, only sequences do and what you went through to get here was a sequence of coincidences, a 'serendipity'.

If the universe is what you are fighting with, if you believe it is what is stopping you from getting there, then why the sequence? Why?

You haven't given up so far, not now.

The universe always fall in love with a stubborn heart

We all have a sequence of events, no matter how much time it takes, how tired you are, how may times you've wished to let go, you'll turn up exactly where you always wished to be, for people play unfair, the universe doesn't. Identify the sequence and say what you feel, before you are too late, waiting is a mistake.

For, "When nine hundred years old you reach. look as good you will not. Go young Skywalker, May the 'force' be with you." This was coming, you saw it coming right? Anyone, hi-five? No? Yoda??

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FAITH

The Dictionary tells us it is a strong belief.

We live in moments, moments from our past, moments that never happened, and those from our future. We live in years ago to seconds ago and imagining ourselves in situations that never have and will never occur, and then we think about the consequences it would have had on the upcoming Sunday to the day of our deaths, and we grieve upon them, wishing they never happen or they did. We have our own miseries and battles of everyday, but the sorrows of our past and the worries of our future are our walking stick, we just can't take a step without them!

"I've learned."

"I've moved on."

"I don't care anymore."

"I've realized I never wanted it."

Loosing something or someone takes a great toll, it rips apart your mind and soul, it keeps you awake nights on the end, making you wish you never had feelings. You sit by the window sill gazing at the night sky and wait for a shooting star to drop by. It takes courage to say goodbyes, the pain never goes away and no time doesn't heal; it just makes live with your scars, the pain, making you believe it has always been there. You have to either hold on or let go. It's always easier to run, to replace the pain with something numb, you wish you could let go but you are afraid to move forward ever again, for you are afraid to have another past. But one eternity later when you are about to make peace with the pain and finally decide to live exist, you bump into them and everything you ever had comes rushing back.

"I've learned." to live with it.

"I've moved on." to believing it was a lie.

"I don't care anymore." about anything else.

"I've realized I never wanted it." I always needed it.

There's is a difference between what people hear when you say something and what you heard in your own voice.

"What has happened cannot be changed" Yes you cannot, but you can change what's going to happen in the next few seconds, hours, days and years. All you need is something from that one goddamned person, whom Disney calls 'your fairy godmother'. No they don't do anything, no magic does not exist; it's not a Peter Pan tale! and no they are not always mothers, sometimes not even humans, or fairies for that matter. They are someone, something, some post, or a 5 word-line hidden in 75000 other, a few letter that spell out to you, F-A-I-T-H.

Though the star aligned in favor of my fate,

The darkness the night bought, ruined my faith.

P.S. It's your chance take it, remember, a man who believes his own lie, cannot lift the hammer, because he is not worthy. Get it? Marvel people? No?

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F.E.A.R.

"Forget Everything And Run"

"Face Everything And Rise"

"First Encounter Assault Recon" maybe? No. Gamers?

Height? Water? Closed room, dark, audience, death?

What do we fear? Why are we afraid? What crosses your mind when you hear the word?

We have been so afraid of so may things but we love them and name them like we name our pets,  like hippomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words, seriously? Why do we name them? So that we could categorize them and we could say "That I'm afraid of this something" and calm ourselves that there is nothing to worry, I'm afraid of just one thing. 

Actually, we are afraid of everything because we, are afraid of loss. We tend to become so possessive about everything that passes by us that we begin to fear loosing it. Acrophobia, because we fear falling off and die thereby loose our life. Aqua phobia, claustrophobia, fears of suffocating to death by water and closed room, nyctophobia, a ghost will stab me if I couldn't see it in the dark, Stage phobia? I'd just choke up and loose my pride and confidence and everything.

Offensive? Well it offended me too, believe me, I've been in those shoes, but for a second think of someone you love, something you want, someone you want to be, but they just come over to you to say "I don't think it's working", the price of that ring in the jewelry store just hyped, you were demoted to an associate for the 5 minutes you were late by to a meeting, and now you give up or fight. Face everything and rise? You won't move on, you won't buy some other ring anyway, or face defeat in an un-fought battle. This thing remains at the back of your head and nudges you. You are on the internet searching "Could I...?" and you hear what you want even though it took the other side a million times, and then you search "How can I...?" You work, fight, save, develop, do everything in your limits and when you stop, it nudges you again and then you do what's beyond you. You make a move and then you wait to get a chance to make another. But this thing keeps nudging you, and you are on the internet again searching "Will I ever...?" You ask their friends, family, spy on them, stalk them, to  know if they have started dating someone; you stop near that shop to see if that ring is still in the display; pass by the office to see if someone is sitting on that chair. You spend years of your life at that one goddamned thing, and one day when you think you are just inches away, you ask them out, you walk in that shop, on your way to boss's office with you best report ever and hear - taken, sold, occupied.

You were the first to think to about climbing the Everest, but you couldn't earlier because you weren't ready, but today you have been through 39 days 11 hours and 8500m above sea-level on this torturous piece of land after months of training. You are a day away, might be less and there you meet one guy climbing downhill, "Howdy, where are you coming from?" you ask. "Uphill, I just marked my flag up there, it's so pleasant there, calm and chilly" and everything comes crashing down. All these eight thousand meters this guy had always been ahead of you, just that you never knew. What do you do? Climb up and never be, or  climb down and pretend it never was.

If you feel it, your trembling feet, shivering hands and dry mouth that's the fear of loss, a phobia without a name, at least Google doesn't know.


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A Wedding Gift

It was just another day, another evening, the best evening like it was expected to be, after all, it was my wedding day. The entire villa was engulfed in lights that shone bright enough to blind the sun. My groom awaited me, impatiently, sitting by the holy fire. I can't say what I felt at the moment, all I remember of it is excitement and fear. I had nothing to be afraid though, we had been planning this day for years now. I walked down the stairs to the lawn.

My father, the ex-army-commander sat there by his son-in-law, sharing his army-stories in fits of laughter. I smiled at him and told my ladies that I needed a bit of personal time and walked towards the washroom in the remote corner of the lawn.

When I walked out, I saw my dad's friends standing right outside the door, away from the reaches of light.

"He... he... hello, uncle" I, I stammered. I had never stammered, but sure had been afraid. I could see the devil in their eyes.

I screamed, I shouted I yelled for help; or I just think I did. I passed out suffocating from the cloth in my mouth or his hand over my face, or probably from the pain. Next thing, I remember, I woke up beside a speeding road, in the midst of nowhere. Blood streaked down my thighs.

I never saw them again, my family, I never saw them. I confronted my dad though, he never believed me and pushed me off his property. He said he lost his pride because of what I did on my wedding, I lost mine too, to what was done to me. My groom? The love of my life? Well him, he has a gorgeous wife and a beautiful daughter.

All I have now, except the lost everything, are two syringes of cannonball. I've never tried it earlier, hell, not even alcohol. But here, it reads on the bottle, anything more than 1.5 ml is a sure death, and now all I have to do is stare at the clock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

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What if?

            We all have that one shot at love, like a sniper, whoosh and pop! You hit it right and the chain of perfect shots begin, your entire worlds seems a new place, your contact is restricted to just one person on this planet and yet it's all you've ever wanted, you believe in magic, you believe that they were sent by smurfs or angels or might be both, who knows! And you don't mind staying up late because you could to talk to them and you don't care what the world has to say about your new food habits, you finally realize how it is to smell heaven, and you no longer need reasons to smile. But what if one of those bullets in the perfect chain doesn't hit the bull's eye, what if doesn't even land on target, it only goes whoosh, no pop?

         "We are not meant to be." "It's over." "I don't want to hurt you, I don't know how to say this..." "We are done." "...I'm breaking up with you." It was just one shot, the wind was way too strong, you could have done nothing, and everything you built up, everything you thought you'd do, you'd be, everything goes downhill, and then you ask yourself, was it all worth it? You have ego clashes and you don't talk with each other, you don't want to see their face, kill them if you may, suffering, pain, agony fuel up your anger, rage and pride, you know what's inside, you know what you have to do, but well your pain looks like your pride.

       In this strongly connected world, why do our hearts fail to connect? We have become so superficial that we may have began to believe what's outside is inside. Maybe the one you were with wasn't "the one" and it was just a part of a mutual attraction, or maybe the one you just broke up, or has dumped you and you lost hope of getting them back, in phrases of was it meant to be? Why do we stick to someone, saying "She's the one", when all you've ever thought about them is what under their clothes rather what's inside them, why do we say to ourselves, life goes on, when we said , "My life? Well she's sleeping at her place."


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