What came first - Chicken or Egg

Chicken or egg?

Day or night?

Facebook or twitter?

WhatsApp Stories or Snapchat?

Oh, I guess we know that already.

But seriously though, what came first? Chicken? Egg, no chicken, no egg, no chicken. Even though mostly, chicken or egg is asked metaphorically, and is intended to put the receiver in a dilemma, scientific answers have been developed for it. It is considered to work under the spell of evolution.

What is evolution?

Evolution is technically defined as, “The gradual process in which organisms develop in something better or something more complex.” The developed structure, fights the harsh environments, survival difficulties, temperature changes, oxygen level changes better. It is through which we developed our eyes sight. Evolution is however, not random and works under a criterion called as ‘natural selections.’ Natural selection could be perfectly defined as the survival of the fittest, the unfit species, dies off.

But chicken or egg?

Well, what you ordered will come first. This had to come, what did you expect? Anyways, the answer is egg. How? An animal quite similar to the now chicken, laid an egg. The egg had a DNA that led to the birth of the modern chicken. In the egg, the fetus underwent mutation, because natural selection had already developed its DNA, what was the best for the bird, stayed; and what it should have, developed. So, the not so chicken, or as scientist call it, the proto-chicken, gave birth to a chicken. The egg came first.

But it is not a chicken egg!

Though, the egg, gave birth to a chicken it was not laid by a chicken. It was laid by the proto-chicken. The bird that quite looks like the chicken, and now do we call it a chicken egg because it gave birth to a chicken, or we do not call it a chicken egg because it was not laid by a chicken. The egg does not belong to the parent, the egg belongs to the fetus. It is thus, a chicken egg.

The off spring was hence, a failure. A disgrace to the parents, the failure however, turned out to be among the birds with most population and the most common domestic bird. We could have solved the mystery much earlier if omelet was in practice earlier, and then the chicken was never born, or might be it would still pop out of nowhere.

In conclusion, “The egg came first, from a bird that was not chicken” – Neil deGrasse Tyson.

So, the next time someone asks, What came first – Chicken or egg? The egg.

P.S. When the chicken was born, it crossed the road. Making us suffer under the mystery of why did the chicken cross the road?

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Excerpt #2

I told the twilight everything. 

Where we met, where I first saw her, when did we first talk, the incidents that bought us close, the sand fights, her birthday party, the first time she heard me play, the first video, the first blind folded guitarist, my first gig, my first show and everything. Every event we had, except the moments you don’t share, and stay within the relationship. Between all these conversation, I could see her leaving her place in a black one-piece. It only made everything easier to say and difficult to not feel.

“You know, it’s been very long that I haven’t seen her nicely and I don’t know if I would see her soon, but you know right now, I just crave her presence, we could just be sitting her, not doing anything that would count. It could be completely silent, but I still know it would be magical. I don’t even know why I need her anymore, I don’t even know if I love her, I want to forget her but I know there’s no one in this entire world that could make me as happy as she does, and I don’t know what do I see in her, if you are going to ask. She’s so imperfect. Do you know she stammers? But she takes me to lands I’ve never been to. They are from out of this world, just like her. It’s been so long that I’ve known her and I still don’t know what I fell for? Her eyes or that face she makes and the way her lips move when she looks at me.” I chuckled. “It could be her angry red nose too.” I said my eyes following her movements as she walked with slow steps.

“So what now?” I heard the twilight ask, breaking the silence.

“I don’t know. We ignore each other, we walk past each other like we never sat the other, but deep down. I still skip a beat when I even hear her name. and I’m even afraid to meet her now, if she’s not like what she used to be, I don’t want those memories to change. She’s a drug, morphine, I know that I shouldn’t, but I want more.”

“Will you never meet her then?”

"I don’t know. She’s just a stranger now, a stranger with all my secrets.” I chuckled again. “Don’t ever fall in love, okay Moon? It’s a world of hookups, being an old school romantic sucks, falling in love sucks, and it only takes you to a special kind of hell, and do you know the hardest part?” I said and jumped onto the terrace from the platform. “Seeing her fall in love with someone else.” I said as I walked up to the railing, getting closer to her.

“Just go, alright, before she actually starts dating someone.” he said.

“I want to, but I can’t.” I said and took a deep breath.

“Why?”

“Because she already is.”

“Whom?”

“You don’t want to know.”

"Then let her go, you don't need her!"

"Just because it is hard, it doesn't make me not need her. You don't give up on people you love."

“So, you’ll just sit here? Drinking beers?”

“I’ll wait. I know we are meant to be and things will eventually turn out. I told her, ‘I love you’. I didn’t say it for a very long time, even after I felt it, because I was afraid. But, when I said it, I meant it, and you could love only once, it doesn’t happen twice. I can’t see perfection in anyone else. I made a promise to her, I would never let us break. I couldn't keep that, but well, I could try to at least keep a piece of that promise?”

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Parchaai

Duniya se ladkar,

Duniya se bach kar,

Tujhse ek wada kiya tha mene,

Har pal marr kar

Har pal darr kar,

Tujhe apne pass rakha tha mene,

Darte darte inta darr gaya,

Ki tujhse hi darne laga tha me,

Uss dar ki yaad me din yuhi guzar jata hai,

Dil tujhse na mil sake, toh teri parchai se milna chahta hai.

Aaj duniya diwaani hai,

Mujhse milne ke liye,

Kyun, yeh toh me nahi janta

Par mujhe diwaangi hai,

Tujhse milne ke liye

Kyun, yeh toh me nahi janta.

Uss pagli ka pagal hu me,

 Uss Heer ka Ranjha hun me,

Uss Diwangi ki yaad me din yuhi Guzar jata hai,

Dil tujhse na mil sake, toh teri parchai se milna chahta hai.

Kabhi nahi samjha tune,

 Kabhi nahi jaana tune,

Kitna jalta hun me,

Jab tere saath koi hota hai,

Jab tujhse koi kuch bolta hai,

Kitna sadta hun me,

Tere liye un sabko bhaga diya mene,

Unn sabki tasveeron ko jala diya mene,

Teri bewafiyon me, din yuhi guzar jata hai,

Dil tujhse na mil sake, toh teri ruh se milna chahta hai.

Na jaane me kyun darta tha,

Na jaane me kyun jalta hun,

Jab tu meri kabhi thi hi nahi,

Toh me kyun yeh sochta tha,

Toh me kyun yeh sochta hun,

 Tu meri kabhi hogi hi nahi,

Wapis aaegi tu, me yeh janta hun,

Mere saath rahegi tu, me janta hun

Tab tak

Hamari tesveeron me, teri muskurahat me sama jata hun me,

Aur har pal, bas yehi magta hun me,

Teri yaadon me, din bas yuhi guzar jae,

Tu nahi, toh teri parchai mil jae.

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Excerpt.

We all have our ups and downs,

we build, we break

and sometimes all we need to do is went out.

It’s been months that I haven’t even seen her, I don’t even remember what her voice was like without the radio wave disturbances, I don’t remember what she smelled like when I last met her. All I remember are those eyes on that sad face looking at me at the departures on the Mumbai airport and telling me not to go. I should have heard them, and not the words she said.

I wish, I wish,

With this line,

I land in her arms,

And everything would be fine.

I should drop out, leave everything, but I don’t know why I couldn’t? I guess that’s because I hope it someday turn to be the way it was when I had just started. When she was there in there, at the back stage, behind the scenes, sitting on the chair beside me.

I love it when I was doing all this for her, with her. Now, it feels like I’m obliged to do this. I wish we could still have those hugs before I walk up for something, those stolen kisses during the off field battles, and those endless conversations before I dressed up for the war, or when I came back home.

I wish I could just see her again smiling when I miss a beat, telling me it's going to be okay, holding my hand when I sung a song, bobbing her head to the rhythm and where I could see those eyes against the spotlight again, I wish I could see those eyes against the sun, I wish I could see those eyes now, I wish I could see her.

I loved it, I love her. She is my music and she if couldn’t be with me, how is my music ever going to be with me? It’s better if I quit, rather than being like this. I need to stop.

If I play wrong notes, it’s still music,

If I play without her, it isn’t.

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What hurts, and what doesn't?

What do you count as not being together?

The few months of being away or the fact that you are never going to see them ever again?

Or that you choose to go away from each other but wish to be together?

Or is it being in arms but not in thoughts?

We see losses, we see changes, we see people going away, we see people coming into our lives, well, in this world the only thing that remains constant is change; and changes hurt. Most of us are not very happy with the idea of it altogether, neither am I. A favorite singer, sportsperson, actor, model, dancer, teacher, writer or someone who were the only reason you did something, getting retired, could be heart wrenching for us. The loss of relationships you hold with these people, with a person, with a friend, a relative, with a significant one could be the worst thing that could happen to any of us. As it is said,

Grieving upon the loss of someone who isn't dead,

Is the worst thing a heart needs to do.

In all the thing we do in life, there are a few thing we wish, didn't happen, we wish didn't exist, we wish aren't memories but just dreams. They hurt. It pains in reliving a memory you remember so well that you cannot even cheat it to be a dream. But sometimes, they are what make us.

For a moment let's look back to what we were and then to what we are. Facebook memories might help on this. Changes are what make us. Until there isn't a need for it, we don't grow. Until there is no tearing, there is no rebuilding and without it, what are we? Even though we want the things to be like they were, and we want them to stay like that forever, it just cannot happen.

Growing form a five year old to a twenty year old, from a knocking engine to a super sport, from a crawler to a sprinter, and from a failed relationship to something that would last forever. Everything has changed and you are loving it, you'll love this moment too, you'll miss it, we just don't see it right now, but I hope soon we would. I'm not saying things won't get to where they were, you won't ever be with the person you want to be, or with whom you were, it's just that, things would not be like they were, they would be better.

If things repeated themselves, 

so would their ends. 

If universe stopped making 'new', 

there would never be an 'old'. 

P.S. Why does a pint hurt and a bed of pins doesn't, like seriously? Get back to me in the comments.

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If I Wrote you...

I wish I never met you,

I wish I never saw you,

I wish I never held you,

I wish, I wish there was no you.

I flick through the page the pages of my diary more often than not. I see you crossing by me and even though you look at me, you turn your head away, like I don't exist. I know you think that I don't notice but I see you turn your head and look at me when you've walked away, I've got rear view mirrors. My feet still freeze, my heart still skips a beat and passersby still ask me what am I smiling at and all this while I've been trying to get a closure from you. I just had one question, why? Even though, I guess, I know the answer to that.

I've heard your friends complain why do I still describe you in my writings, while mine complain why do I write unrealistic things. I never wrote about you, I never wrote things that weren't goals. Even if I tried, girl you give me writer's block. I feel like I'm short of words. I could write everything about you, but I could never write you -- because, well, it hurts.

My brain freezes, the world hates me and no one talks to me when I think about you. Not even the people I make up. I have tried so many times but I just couldn't. If I could and if I did, I don't know how many acres of paper I would be writing on, and I don't think I would ever stop writing if I could write you.

All this time, I missed so many chances and escaped so much that now I don't even know what track I was on, from where did I escape? I could have done so much, but all I did was wait. I wish it was never too late to apologize and now I... I'm just glad I never got my closure because that would only mean that it has ended and good things don't need to end. Immortal stories don't end.

If I could write you, I would be the luckiest man on earth.

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Kahin Mile toh Usse Kehna

Waade bahot kiye the tujhse,

Koi bhi pura nahi kar saka mein,

Koshishein puri ki thi mene,

Par koi koshish puri nahi kar saka mein,

Tujhe khush rakhne ka waada kar,

Teri hassi ka qatil bana me,

Unn yaadon me jeeta hun,

Jinme me tera na ho saka me,

Waqt ke harr pal badalne se pareshaan hun,

Fir bhi har lamha teri yaad me bita raha hun me,

Kahin mile toh usse kehna,

Harr waada nibha raha hun me.

Kehna toh bahot kuch hai,

Par magar me keh nahi pata,

Mohabatton ka tufaan sama hai mujhme,

Magar me jataa nahi pata,

Tere darwaze pe baitha rehta hun,

Na jaane tu kab laut aae,

Nahi aaegi yeh janta hun,

Par dil yeh samjh nahi pata,

Dil ke lagataar dhadkne se pareshaan hun,

Fir bhi har dhadkan tere naam sajha raha hun me,

Kahin mile toh usse kehna,

Har waada nibha raha hun me.

Unn rasto pe chalta hun,

Jinpe teri yaad basti hai,

Jinpe teri muskurahat,

Aur teri chaal ki masti hai,

Dua karta hun ki aaj tujhe dekh saku,

Chahe door se ek jhalak hi sahi,

Kyunki meri duniya thamb jati hai

Jab tu hasti hai.

Sadkon ke yunn achanak mudne se pareshaan hun,

Fir bhi har mod pe tera naam daura raha hun me,

Kahin mile toh usse kehna

Harr waada nibha raha hun me.

Chahe samundrah tere pair chuhe,

Maaf tu mujhe kabhi karegi nahi,

Galti meri thi me janta hun,

Par kya ek kadam bhi tu chalegi nahi?

Tere liye me milon bhaga hun,

Harr cheeze chod di jo mujhe pyaari thi,

Ek baar mujhse baat toh karle,

Meri ruh itni jalegi nahi,

Aatmao ki yeh gazab mulakaat se pareshaan hun,

Fir bhi teri naarazgi ki wajha raha hun me,

Kahin mile toh usse kehna,

Harr waada nibha raha hun me.

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A Dog Tale

You know I had this dog. Well, um, I didn't own it, it was a stray dog, but I felt like I own it.

There was this thing about it, whenever it saw me enter my building or if I passed by it would bark at me. Always. I thought it barks at everyone so I tired to see over it from outside the gate a few times. It was nowhere to be seen even if the mailman passed by. I thought it has something to do with my odour so I thought it would bark at my family too, now they don't have the same smell but it got similar but, well, it didn't bark. I thought it was his thing with the people with briefcase, so I looked over at him when a man with a briefcase passed by. It came up, wagging it's tail sniffed at the briefcase, probably smelling his lunch and then walked away. Nothing else, not even growling.

It barked only at me and soon it started to haunt me. Whenever I left for work or got back home or had to even go downstairs the first thought would always be, "It's going to be there." Finally, I gave up on wondering and agreed to the fact the it is always going to be there no matter what. I just got used to it barking. It became like the local train announcement for me. Even though I know what station it is, it just tells me. You just settle in.

One day, I got home from work and it didn't bark. Well, I couldn't care less. Another day passed and then another and I didn't see it. On the fourth day, I started getting worried. Where is it? I searched for it, bought biscuits but didn't see it anywhere. I asked the watchman, he said he never saw a dog like that. Where is my dog?

Now I wonder, if instead of passing by it everyday and shooing it away, if I had only stopped once and petted it, I would have know why it barks. 

Does this happens with thoughts too? When they get old do they just die? Do the memories fade? Do they not haunt you anymore when you let go? Do you miss them? Do they come back? Just like the way I want my dog to come back. Even though they hurt right now they will someday become the best memories and probably you are going to wish they stay with you forever. Memories hurt but they are what make us, they are the cutest gift we have got. 

Anyways, tell me if you see my dog, it is the cutest thing alive.

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Is it Worth it?

We at one point have fought for things that we believed would make us happy.

We have believed that things that are not ours, will make us happy when they are.

We have fallen into battles that aren't even ours, to become happy.

And when the storm settles, we ask ourselves was it worth it?

We bruise ourselves, we cut ourselves, we punish ourselves. Our wounds from the battle wouldn't heal for years. They are going to stay, even if they heal there are going to be battle scars, a lot of them. I'm no warrior, but on second thought, aren't we all? We fight through the day to get where we want to be, we think about it all the time and it sure does hurt. The pain at times isn't bare-able. We think about the times when we would win and it is such a dream.

At start we could see the goal, it is right there, that glowing light, yes, that's it! Years into battle, we are lost in a mine field.. The light disappeared and right now you don't even know where you stand. You quit. Or sometime you don't, you just fight long enough to become a light yourself. We mould ourselves, shape ourselves, make ourselves, we become the best versions of ourselves and when we reach our goals and break our shells get out of our cocoon; people say, you've changed a lot.

People we did everything for, people we wished would look up on us, people we wished would stay with us forever, end up saying you've changed a lot. As much as we love what we are, we hate ourselves for what we did. We fought with all our might to get something probably we din't even want ourselves at first. Sometimes we believe it is only the tough path to get where we want to be, couldn't the easy way be right? You know...

Before we start our fight,

Before we are even close to our goal,

Before people start asking it,

Before we regret and ask everyone,

Couldn't we for once ask ourselves, 

Is it worth it?

P.S. You could have a bath for life, and still smell like fish. It's not worth it. Start skipping today.

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What is love? It is... felt.

It's always been easier to stay shut than to talk.

It's always been easier to talk than to do.

It's always been easier to do than to feel.

I met a girl the other day and she said, "You know Ronak?"

I said, "Yes."

"Have you seen him with how deeply he loves his girl? I want someone to love me like that."

We wish things in our lives were the way they are in someone else's, it's because the lust we have for successful things. In a fast pacing world everyone likes to walk through shortcuts, and we are always searching for them, rather than trying to run on the actual path.

Love is not something where you go, Happy!!! Happy!! Happy! Happy. We fought. Sad! Sad!! Sad!!! We fought again. I don't think it's working, we need to break up. It's about mending things that went wrong, it about understanding why something happened and about feeling the pain.

It probably isn't about showing love actively, it's about the little things you do for them and they don't even know about. It's like changing their favorite pen's refill and never mentioning it. Believe me even though you think they don't notice it, real love does.

It probably isn't about going for movies, to dinner, or planning dates, to spend quality time. You could sit together for hours without saying a word and have quality time. You could be lazing around at home the entire day ad spend quality time.

It probably isn't about going to clubs and getting high before you get on the dance floor, it is about looking into their eyes and getting high, before you share an earphone and dance on the street, you may not even need music.

It probably isn't all about the moves you can do on EDM, it is like that heart felt dance on the dhol.

It probably is only about facing everything together and not just the happy part of the relationship before you split. It probably is all about making time from your 24-hour busy schedule, on days where you can't catch enough sleep and looking at them once in the entire day. Or probably it is only about making that call before they go to sleep and asking how their day was.

I guess it's not about flooding the social media with your pictures and talking smooth. Probably Ronak doesn't love his girl, or probably he does, it just doesn't show it in his eyes. However, I love the way she looks at them and I'm gonna let it stay.

P.S. All the characters are fictional and do not have anything to do with people of any caste, race, sex or tribe. Also, no animals were harmed during the making of this post.

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Don't Fall in Love - Rise

Why do we fall in love, when it is said to be one of the strongest emotions?

Why do we fall in love, when it is said to be element that makes someone?

Why do we fall in love, and not rise in love?

We as people we are, do not know a lot of things about the world we live in. Each time we wish to learn something new, we develop ourselves enough to understand it, to learn it, to memorize and use it. We make ourselves, better, we develop, we rise to a level higher than we were. Love is the most beautiful thing and we should rise, not fall. Or maybe the love we seek is weaker than the love we have and we need to fall for it?

When we meet someone, when our eyes meet for the first time, we let our guard down. We let them into our deepest thoughts, we let them into our lives, maybe it's our guard that falls. 

You look at them, angry, frustrated, pissed and for the first time in your life, instead of thinking "who cares?" you go and ask them, "what's wrong", you let you ego down, maybe ego is what falls. 

You have priorities, you have plans you have a life beyond them, they probably know everything about, but they don't know you are going to visit a friend or going to a party, a movie, or a cosplay and they call you up and say "meet me", and even though it was important you cancel on it and go to meet them, maybe it's other priorities that fall. 

No matter how good your day was, there could be one little thing that makes you angry and you are completely raged up, smashing that little tin can on our way home. You unlock the door and the give you a hug, and you melt, it brings back every single memory you had and you fall in love with her all over again, maybe it's our anger that falls.

You need to fall, to rise. When you fall so deeply, there will always be a hand to pull you up, and when they do, you are going to stand taller than ever before. That's the power of love, and I guess that is why you need to fall in it. Fall in love harder and rise stronger, don't waste it on someone you believe is worth it.

Only after the fall of a grapevine, you see a raisin. Sorry.

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Grey

What is grey?

A pigment? Between black and white?

Or a definition of dull, nondescript, or it's just being faceless?

We live in world where everyone wants to be renowned and eminent or enclosed and unknown. No one wants to be a commoner; no one wants to be grey. It's always black and white.

I live in a city, no one knows where I am, what I do, who am I? Sometimes, even I don't. If I knock at my own door and shout, "Hey! It's me!" then at the receiving end, I'm definitely going to ask, "Me who?". We all have a definition, we have fixated answers to the questions everyone asks us.

"Who are you?"

"What do you do?"

"Where do you live?"

"What do you wish to be?"

We were taught these in the school, right? It was a 5 marks question! We had to mug it up, there was no way around. It was going to decide if I'm going to get an A+ or a B  , it was going to decide if I'm ever going to get into one of those Ivy League School, it was my entry pass to NASA, it was going to decide if I was ever going to touch the moon. Or was it? If it was then why did we never ask it to ourselves. 

I'm in my room a 4-way closed wall surrounds me when I'm writing this, door locked, it post-midnight, I'm enclosed. I'm dark.

I got this idea when I was sitting with my bud at the beach, where the cold breeze hit my face. I'm bright

But it's the 3rd time I'm writing it, to check for mistakes (there are many), because I love my readers and this is for them. I'm grey.

I either eat super-healthy foods, salad and boiled eggs and hit the gym or I'm stuffing pizzas in my mouth laying in my pajamas, there's no in between, but I attended a friend's marriage yesterday, and had curry rice, am I grey?

I'm either awake till sunrise, or wake with sunrise, but some days I have different schedules, am I grey?

I don't wait at all, anywhere; or wait till it's time, but I hurry when I'm late, am I grey?

I dress like a drug addict, or for a party, but I have pairs of jeans and casual T-shirts, am I grey?

I'm in the wild, or in this room, but I attend college, where I learned to right, am I grey?

I don't meet people for days, or I'm out partying, but I reply to texts of people who need me, am I grey?

I read an entire bookshelf or entire syllabus in a day, or not a word, but I have an exam I need to prepare for, and I'm writing, am I grey?

I've loved with my entire soul, and hated with every gut in me, but I've never hated someone I love, and have come to love people I used to hate, am I grey?

We are all grey, neither us is black or white. We wish to be sometimes, and we are at times, but you can't be dark forever, and brightness fades too. What we do? How we do it? When we do it? Are things that define us. Nothing matters more than what you are and what you wish to be. Nothing. But to get to where you want to be, you have to go through society, and it is grey.

We are black, we are white, we are Black and White, we are Grey.

Remember, you need to go through 50 before yo become white or black.

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My Sunshine

I thought you were My Sunshine,

But you were a black cloud,

A thunder storm that never faded,

For it rained and thundered, the storm was loud.

I though you were My Sunshine,

But you were just a "why?",

You came in my life, like a cyclone,

And just like the monsoon skies, the clouds cry.

I thought you were My Sunshine,

But I'm the pirate and you were just a scar,

I thought you'd stay with me,

But you just walked away, as far as a star.

I though you were My Sunshine,

But you were just a phase, of us together,

All you said was bye,

What happened to those promises of forever?

I thought you were My Sunshine,

But you were my poems and my rhyme,

All you turned out to be was a  page,

That I wish decays with time,

I thought you were My Sunshine,

But I curse, I swear, because each day I've died,

Waiting for you to come back,

Be again by my side,

I thought you were My Sunshine,

You still are, and forever will be,

My heart still beats your name,

And I'll try, and I'll fight, for 'we'.

For I know you are My Sunshine,

And I killed myself in search of you,

 You are now afraid of me,

I'm dead, but have only loved you.

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The Letter

What should you do when all hell breaks loose? Cry? Give up? Fight?

He cried to the stars at night. Alone. When no one saw him.

He gave up on everything in life. No. Everything except her.

He stands up like a warrior. Broken. He still fights though.

I have been meeting this guy from like a month now, and took me hell lot of time and what do you call it? Manipulating? To take things out of him, and now, finally he spoke up. This is a letter from dear someone to dearest someone, I hope this letter finds you in good health and for once, wherever you are whatever you are doing, make a minute from your life and talk to him.

You should just look at him when he takes you name.

The glittering of his eyes.

The shivering in his voice.

The chills that run down his spine.

If you have made this far into reading this, please hit that share button, that +1 and do retweet! Let us make this reach her! I don't know why he loves you, but just open your eyes! I don't know if she has moved on, I don't know if she's even active socially, but I know she's a reader, and

 it's her birthday today, 

so let's prepare a surprise like this guy always did.

P.S. If I could write a nine-page long letter then type it and edit it, then you sure could share it, this is an attempt for this guy, who isn't ready to give up on his love.

P.P.S. These are the exact words he said, I'm just the medium (and the grammar guy) trying to make a shout and well he doesn't know about this, I'm just supporting, please help me in helping him.
Yes the names are changed, not written or in initials, but she would know who we are talking to.

***

Aisha, you know I'm probably very strong     intellectually, I learn quickly, understand things and I have a hand at math too; but I'm not that good mentally, because I'm not very good at handling uncertainty. It's been 3 years since we broke up and I still cannot accept that we have. The world reminds me very day, but I know they are all lying, now aren't they?

You know I still hope that one day when I go to my floor, up in the elevator and when that door opens, Iyouwould be sitting there on the stairs. I'll look at you and give you that 'what?' look I always gave you when you stared at me with that wry smile, and you would walk up to me, and we are going to have the tightest hug we ever had. Or you know you are just going to keep that 7 years later promise we made, meeting after we are done with are studies? Remember? So one fine evening when I walk home from office, everyone, your mom, dad, uncle, aunt, your sister, your little brother who won't be little anymore, and     you, everyone is sitting at my place with my mom and dad and brother and they are just talking and laughing and gossiping. I walk in, a little shocked, and look at you sitting under that photo frame you used to stare at, and you say "hey'", "what are you guys   ", "We are getting married."

***

I miss you every second that I'm away from you and every time I saw you passing by, on your scooty, walking or just got a glance of you from a distant mile, my love doubled for you. If we had not wasted these years in being away, and I would have got a chance to see you every day, probably we would have moved in and I got to see you every five minutes, now just think how lucky would I have been to love you so much.

But you know what did I not miss? The man... I mean the kid I was, he was so weak and fragile and...

I told you about how I took my cousins out to celebrate my SSC board results and how they made fun of me, and how they called me names, and how I was the unwilling clown of the day and how they ruined my day, how it made me feel so bad about myself, and why I did not back answer them, well, now I would say that I couldn't; and do you remember what you did? You laughed.

I told you about how my dad thinks I have a spark in me and I could do anything I wish. You know how important it is for me that my dad praises me? That he says something good about me? And do you remember what you did? You laughed.

You remember... I... I... I slapped you, once? I'm still so sorry about that and I wish I never had done that, I'm so, so sorry. But at that moment I was falling weak because you were not comfortable with all those stones poking in your feet. You could have just kept my slippers on, you didn't need to remove them, or we could have sat somewhere. At that moment, I felt weak because you wouldn't listen and I hid my weakness with my anger because I thought you would laugh.

You asked me for one thing in that entire phase we went through, you asked me to meet you dad once. You asked a guy who was afraid that if doesn't leave at that exact moment, he would be late for his coaching classes, to meet your dad? I was afraid Aisha, why would he accept me, I'm nothing, why would he let us be together, why would any dad do that, I was afraid     of losing you     and that fear took you away from me.

You told me that your dad told you that I would abandon you one day *chuckles* it went the other way around though. I'm sorry not my point. You know when you said that, for the first time I saw a tear drop rolling down your cheeks, a tear from a strong woman like you. Yes, I hugged you, I kissed your tears away, I was strong, but after you left I had my own sob story. I fell on my knees, weak, thinking how weak my love was to even let you think that.

So I don't miss that kid anymore, he was weak and I'm glad he's dead, or at least he's not dominant anymore. You taught me how it doesn't matter what people say about you when you are above them, they'll always throw some stones, you could fly higher or fall down, you taught me that my dad praising me shouldn't be the reason I try, it should be the outcome after I've tried, that he should take pride in it and not give me false hopes, you taught me to be tough, you taught me to love harder, with everything I have in me, and I still love you. I learnt that I could be anything in front of you and you would accept me, except a weak me. In these years, I don't know if I grew up, because I still slurp at my frooti, but I did grow strong.

***

You know I personally never liked you friends, but well I guess that's because I don't like my friends too. Well, your friends, why on earth did they have to spoil my every surprise. Yes, I'm talking about you SW, like seriously, why?

I just never liked your best friend, she ruined so many of my dates, they were not dates for the ideal world, but they were the world to me! For an hour in the entire day, after my college, my classes, my practices and after every damn thing, I get to meet you and she calls you up, tells you to come over, it was some stupid thing with her and we had to cancel.

And you know, I agree I talked to SW, I agree I never liked football and still don't, but I talked football with her, but you read our conversations right, they were long but you did read where they started and ended? I asked her every time that did she ask you; and if she could make us talk once again, solve our little fight. I agree I talked to your best friend too over the phone, but ask her what was the first thing I spoke. I thought it worked too, for you called me, exactly seventeen minutes later, but I never knew we are going to fight on the phone, but I still thought we are good when we started talking again after it. I never messaged or called any of your friends after that, until I realized how wrong I was, when two weeks later we broke up.

You know if it was up to me, and your friends would still have been in contact with me, I swear I would have done it all over again. Hoping that would at least talk to me right now, just this time I would not expect a "I love you", or "Let's meet" or ever a "HI, how are you?", though I have thought of so many conversations with you and how they would go when we meet. This time I would expect you to be really pissed at me, but at least you would talk to me.

But you know, for once let me praise your friends, instead of blaming them for 'you' - 'me'. if your best friend wouldn't have been there, 'we' would have never been, and probably I would have never become friends with her boyfriend and he would have never turned out to be a brother to me, though I blame him too for 'you' -'me', but still. If it wasn't for SW, we would have not talked when I was at that overnight picnic to Lonavala. If it wasn't for KB, we would have never talked again after we were caught by your uncle, and if KB never told me you like that greeting card at that shop in middle of Matunga, I would have never got to see your face when I told you "You should move on, forget about me, I'm dying... blood cancer... I know you wouldn't believe, so I bought my reports along" and you held that card in that cover for entire three minutes before you pulled out and shouted "I knew it, what hospital make red reports? Tell me?" I could still see your face, I remember it so well, that shock, awe, gasping and hyped heartbeats. I'm sorry but I love you, and I love the faces you make.

***

Even though probably we didn't do so well, but we had our moments, and you know what they are enough for me to live a life with them. I would rather die thinking of them, over making new ones with someone else. I hope you still have my white Samsung earphones. You kept them in your pink pants. I just love those pants by the way.

Walking with you and teasing you, pulling your legs and hugging you after that, these are the moment I still cherish, but I would never forget the face you had when I gifted you that ambigram and you looked at me like, like I looked at you every time we stood under that leaning tree. Walking back home with you after our classes and walking to classes and getting late every time for that morning lecture is something I still miss.

Do you still wonder why I gave you that white rose and not red? And do you still feel the need to ask me where do I keep my locker keys? My Facebook passwords is still the same, you could use my ID, only the login notifications are on, because I just want to know if you still do. Please use it once. Do you still eat dairy milk silk? I just want to know, because next time we meet, I would bring one with me and when you say you need to leave and you are getting late, I would pull it out, and say I forgot that I bought it for you and you just couldn't say no to it, and I would get those extra fifteen minutes with you. I wish to give another prelims or exams, because we shared the class and I could stare at you through the exam time and when you look back and go "what?" I would just pretend I was thinking. Or give that geography exam again and attempt extras and make you wonder if I completed that. Or that algebra exam where you lost five marks and cried? We could even keep that no hugging week challenge again, and I could you know... probably say nothing more without breaking down now. I guess that kid woke up. He says, he's sorry and that he too, loves you.

You know I don't know if you love me anymore, heck I don't know if you even think about me, do I even cross your mind? But I have come to love this idea of feeling raw, where you know for once I could do what I want. The entire world is onto me, "stop thinking about her", "She is not coming back", "don't expect anything" and I could for once tell them all that "I don't expect anything, I dream, I wish" and that I could love you without a reason and no one could stop me, not even you.

People ask me if I could move on, I say I don't want to. They say I'm never going to be happy with you, they don't know anything, do they? People say... well they say a lot of things, who cares? But, you know why I love you? Even I don't.

You know what I miss about you? 

Walking with you, miles, especially against the sun, so I could see your hazel eyes glimmering.

You sending me 95 messages when I'm mad at you and don't even text you through the day. Reminding me everything we had and saying sorry so many times!

Listening at a crying you because you thought I was dead in a bus crash in Jammu. Prepaid phones don't work there sweetheart!

You not letting me hold you, but you clinging onto my arm.

You calling me at 3 a.m. because you are afraid of under bed monsters.

You pacing up your words to fit a long story in a small span so that you could talk more, and then laughing because you could no longer control your pace.

Telling me things several times, saying it just like the way you told them first.

You looking away and laughing when you were mad at me because you don't want me to see you laugh or I'll stop trying.

You know what I miss about you?

When I hugged you from behind, whenever you were waiting for me or sat in my chair, or on your scooty, or it's just every time I came to meet you and you did. 

Mish 

Mish mish mish

mish mish

*look at me from the corner of the eye* 

mish.

(I didn't know how to write this, mish the noise you make by clicking your tongue when someone irritates you or is not listening to you or you are pissed. Try it, do one line at a time, stop for two seconds before you hop to next, it's such a cute rhythm.)

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