FIGHT - An Attempt at Apology

What should you do when all hell breaks loose? Cry? Give up? Fight?

He cried to the stars at night. Alone. When no one saw him.

He gave up on everything in life. No. Everything except her.

He stands up like a warrior. Broken. He still fights though.

I have been meeting this guy from like a month now, and took me hell lot of time and what do you call it? Manipulating? To take things out of him, and now, finally he spoke up. This is a letter from dear someone to dearest someone, I hope this letter finds you in good health and for once, wherever you are whatever you are doing, make a minute from your life and talk to him.

You should just look at him when he takes you name.

The glittering of his eyes.

The shivering in his voice.

The chills that run down his spine.

If you have made this far into reading this, please hit that share button, that +1 and do retweet! Let us make this reach her! I don't know why he loves you, but just open your eyes! I don't know if she has moved on, I don't know if she's even active socially, but I know she's a reader, and

 it's her birthday today, 

so let's prepare a surprise like this guy always did.

P.S. If I could write a nine-page long letter and then type it and edit it, then you sure could share it, this is an attempt for this guy, who isn't ready to give up on his love.

P.P.S. These are the exact words he said, I'm just the medium (and the grammar guy) trying to make a shout and well he doesn't know about this, I'm just supporting, please help me in helping him.
Yes the names are changed, not written or in initials, but she would know who we are talking to.

Read a part from his apology here or Read his full letter HERE and please share to make his voice reach her!

***

Aisha, you know I'm probably very strong     intellectually, I learn quickly, understand things and I have a hand at math too; but I'm not that good mentally, because I'm not very good at handling uncertainty. It's been 3 years since we broke up and I still cannot accept that we have. The world reminds me every day, but I know they are all lying, now aren't they?

You know I still hope that one day when I go to my floor, up in the elevator and when that door opens, you would be sitting there on the stairs. I'll look at you and give you that 'what?' look I always gave you when you stared at me with that wry smile, and you would walk up to me, and we are going to have the tightest hug we ever had. Or you know you are just going to keep that 7 years later promise we made, meeting after we are done with are studies? Remember? So one fine evening when I walk home from office, everyone, your mom, dad, uncle, aunt, your sister, your little brother who won't be little anymore, and     you, everyone is sitting at my place with my mom and dad and brother and they are just talking and laughing and gossiping. I walk in, a little shocked, and look at you sitting under that photo frame you used to stare at, and you say "hey'", "what are you guys   ", "We are getting married."

I miss you every second that I'm away from you and every time I saw you passing by, on your scooty, walking or just got a glance of you from a distant mile, my love doubled for you. If we had not wasted these years in being away, and I would have got a chance to see you every day, probably we would have moved in and I got to see you every five minutes, now just think how lucky would I have been to love you so much.

You know I don't know if you love me anymore, heck I don't know if you even think about me, do I even cross your mind? But I have come to love this idea of feeling raw, where you know for once I could do what I want. The entire world is onto me, "stop thinking about her", "She is not coming back", "don't expect anything" and I could for once tell them all that "I don't expect anything, I dream, I wish" and that I could love you without a reason and no one could stop me, not even you.

People ask me if I could move on, I say I don't want to. They say I'm never going to be happy with you, they don't know anything, do they? People say... well they say a lot of things, who cares? But, you know why I love you? Even I don't.

You know what I miss about you? 

Walking with you, miles, especially against the sun, so I could see your hazel eyes glimmering.

You sending me 95 messages when I'm mad at you and don't even text you through the day. Reminding me everything we had and saying sorry so many times!

Listening at a crying you because you thought I was dead in a bus crash in Jammu. Prepaid phones don't work there sweetheart!

You not letting me hold you, but you clinging onto my arm.

You calling me at 3 a.m. because you are afraid of under bed monsters.

You pacing up your words to fit a long story in a small span so that you could talk more, and then laughing because you could no longer control your pace.

Telling me things several times, saying it just like the way you told them first.

You looking away and laughing when you were mad at me because you don't want me to see you laugh or I'll stop trying.

You know what I miss about you?

When I hugged you from behind, whenever you were waiting for me or sat in my chair, or on your scooty, or it's just every time I came to meet you and you did. 

Mish 

Mish mish mish

mish mish

*look at me from the corner of the eye* 

mish.

(I didn't know how to write this, mish the noise you make by clicking your tongue when someone irritates you or is not listening to you or you are pissed. Try it, do one line at a time, stop for two seconds before you hop to next, it's such a cute rhythm.)

Read His full letter HERE and please share to make his voice reach her!
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FUMBLE

Do you believe in stars? Astrology? Nor did I.

Do you believe in fate? I do, and I believe that however adverse thing might seem right now, somethings are meant to be, and they'll fix no matter what.

I'm 19, and this is a note to someone I may have met, or might meet in the future.

I'm an old-school lover, and once I say it to you no matter what    we fumble, we fight, we don't fit, we split up, you walk away, I'm always going to be yours. I'll try to fix everything till I'm bleeding because for me there is no turning back, and I'm sure I won't regret in fact I'll take pride in it. No matter what are our chances of getting back, no matter what the world says, I'm gonna fight until I have you back.

I take pride in the people I love and the little things I do for them. I'm going to buy you everything that catches my eye, I'll buy you the most expensive gifts and spend all my savings down on your every birthday. If it's not your birthday, I just love to surprise you, and well all of these don't count to me so never mention them, I do that so once in a while I could see awing and smiling, and if you wish to mention, smile when you are wearing them. Your smile is what counts to me. But if you don't like something I do or if I fumble, say it. It's not going to hurt, I'll do everything else for you, and also things I've never done for myself. Just never say something condemning about people I love, for a matter of fact even about yourself. I'm going to get really pissed if you do so, and it's not going to be a good day, if it was already bad for you, it's going to be worse; because for me, you could never fail, but if you do I fail with you and I don't like the smell of failure. Don't worry, I regret soon when I get pissed at my loved ones, I'm going to be back with you in about an hour, apologizing and then we are going to fight, even if you don't want to. I'll do whatever it takes to back you up and I might even just stand in front of you and take a bullet, but the fight is still yours.

I wish I could take pride in showing my emotions, but well, I don't show them. I feel weak when I speak my heart, I feel vulnerable, I feel I'm going to be laughed at, so I'll not talk to you for a few days, but once I'm over it, you have to listen to every minute detail of it, and don't you dare say you need to go when I'm talking, say it before I start, not when I'm speaking. So probably when you are with me, I'll speak a lot but I don't speak up important things like "How much I love you", I show them. I could write books about you, and I would show it in gestures because you are always on my mind, all you need you do is read me. But, once in a while, I fumble, I'll probably vent out, and when I do, understand I do not cry or beg in front of people, but even if I'm at the verge if either, just understand what I'm going through, but don't laugh or sympathize, just say "It's going to be okay" or "Shit happens" and even if it doesn't, I'll believe it, because you said it.

I take pride in what I spend on you and it's revenge-time for me if you spend even a penny or extra second of your life on me and I'm going to make up for it. You can call it my ego; I'm a nut job. Somehow, I don't like the sight of people. I feel they can't stand good things and you are the best thing on this planet! So we are going to click a lot of pics, if we don't I'll have a lot of pictures of you but I'm never going to upload any. I'll frame them and put them all over my place and when someone asks me who is she, they are going to listen to the best story of their lives, but, I won't go door to door telling everyone. Even though I'm introvert I love going out with you — only you, and we'll go everywhere you say, but if I say I don't have enough cash on me, let's go tomorrow or let's go somewhere else today, yes you could pay, but it's going to be when you wish and when my pocket are full, not empty. It might not matter to you regarding who pays, but it does hurt me if you have to pay because my pockets were empty. Revenge time, remember?

No matter how many mistakes you make it's never going to matter to me, 

for all that counts to me is your effort. The effort you put in 

'us'.

Yes, I'm a nut job, ask anyone who knows me, 

but you are loved with all I have in me.

If I ever say to you, "to the moon and back", I mean it, and I mean a life, because you could drive a car to the moon and back with the energy a heart produces in a life. 

Yes, I took up science.

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3 Pints of Beer

How could I find a way out if I'm afraid?

I know man, it's hard.

But do I have a choice?

Ab toh baatein bhi band hai,

Khuda ke darwaaze bhi band hai.

Darr laga rehta hai,

Fir bhi dil yeh kehta hai,

Kaise jaun?

Kya batau?

Zyaada taiyaar hoke, affection dikhau?

Ya aise hi jaa kar coincidence dikhau?

Photo? Nahi hai.

Portfolio? Nahi hai.

Photo dekh ke kya karega?

Shakal se pyaar bhi nahi hai,

Uski ruh se pyaar hai,

Bas uske mann ne ka intezaar hai.

Darr laga rehta hai,

Fir bhi dil yeh kehta hai,

Date kar rahi hai kya woh?

Kya milne jaati hai kisiko?

Haan, toh me jaun ki nahi?

Nahi, toh me jaun ki nahi?

At first glance? Nahi bhai.

Take a chance? Nahi bhai.

Ab toh hamara milna hi koi sanjog hai,

Uske college ke idher jaun? Nahi yaar bahot log hai.

Classes ke udher jaun? Nahi 10 minute baad uska curfew hour hai.

Ya usse uss restaurant me bulaun? Jo bridge ke uss paar hai?

Darr laga rehta hai,

 Fir bhi dil yeh kehta hai,

Dost se kehkar bula toh lunga usse,

Par backfire hua toh kaise manaunga usse?

Internship karti hai toh kya uske office jaun?

Ya fir chalte hue milun aur engine pe ilzaam lagau?

Ruk jaa bhai zara shaanti se bata mujhe.

Pheli baar kis college me dikhi thi woh tujhe?

Usko abhi phone lagaun aur sab bata dun?

Ya uske ghar jaake sab suna dun?

Himmat se jaunga, par himmat kidher se laun?

Kya 3 pint beer peeke jaun?

Darr laga rehta hai,

Par dil yeh kehta hai,

Yaar uss din dikhi thi,

College se aate hue,

Friend se saath thi,

Baat karte hue.

Fir, fir kya hua?

Kya kuch kuch hua?

Agar college late nahi jaata uss din me.

2 train chod ke nahi rukta doston ke binn me,

Agar nahi poochta woh bhala aadmi mujhse rasta unjaana

Toh nahi dikhta usse uss ka dewaana,

Darr laga rehta hai,

Fir bhi dil yeh kehta hai

Helmet ka flap usne jab uthaya,

Aur apni aakhon ko meri aankhon se milaya,

Kasam  khuda ki, uske chehre ka rang udd gaya,

Jab me usse dekh muskuraya, aur hawa ka ruk mudd gaya.

Naam kya hai uska?

Chehra kaisa hai uska?

Bhool gai woh khud woh kya bol rahi thi,

Waqt ruk gaya aur hamari alag duniya ban gai thi,

Tujhe dekhna hai, toh samajh jannat jaisi dikthi hai,

Kaash aisa ho ki woh aaj bhi mujhpe marti hai,

Darr laga rehta hai,

Par aaj bhi yeh dil kehta hai,

Ki aae zindagi mujhse daga na kar,

Me uss se durr rahun yeh dua na kar,

Baahon me sama lun, aur woh kabhi durr na jae,

Harr mod, harr gali hum ek duje ka saath paye,

Jaa yaar, mil le uss se ek baar,

Keh de karta hai tu uss se pyaar,

Jana toh me bhi chahta hun par yeh pair saath nahi dete,

Kabhi ek dukhta hai, toh kabhi dusra hatt jata hai peeche

Jana toh chahta hun par kaise jaun?

Kya me 3 pint beer peeke jaun?

P.S. I don't consume alcohol.

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FORCE

The net acceleration produced in a body is directly proportional to the applied force and inversely proportional to the mass of the body.

F=ma

Newton's Law of Motion,

Even though the man, made laws to make us understand the motion of a body, everything seems to have a deeper meaning.

Sometimes we wish the things were not the way they are, we wish our lives had followed a different path, we wish people understood, but well, you could force things to move, not people. You try to make them understand; feel what you feel with all you have and against all you know, until there's no one standing on your side, not even you.

"It is impossible, I'll never reach there, it's time I learn and give u  " and then you meet someone who gives you FAITH and then you fight again against everyone until    your faith dies. But then, you meet another person who gives you another way to the same address and new will for another day, and then comes in another person and then another and you meet these 'faith's on mere coincidences.

We come across incidences, people and things every day and even though they seem coincidences they are not. The Universal Force is not that lazy.

The universe has its own flow, it goes the way it wishes to, you could either fight the flow of the force or enjoy it. Enjoy it? No, I'm not telling you to stop fighting, I'm not telling you to give up and sit back, I'm telling you take a minute, sit back and think, think about where do you wish to be, first why? And then how? Overcome the FEAR and explore; the depths, the heights, the bright side you are at and the dark spot you haven't so far. Think about the blocked paths, and the paths that you haven't tried yet, leave yourself free, flow with the force, don't pressurize, fly, just maintain that slight angle and let the universe guide you; and those flames in you, keep them alive, for that will make you different, distinct.

Believe that sometimes the only way out of darkness is through it, understand that faith lies within, it's not external. Hope, however, could be. Understand the difference between "there will be" of faith and "there should be" of hope, believe the in 'faith's you met in coincidences, and now believe that coincidences don't exist, only sequences do and what you went through to get here was a sequence of coincidences, a 'serendipity'.

If the universe is what you are fighting with, if you believe it is what is stopping you from getting there, then why the sequence? Why?

You haven't given up so far, not now.

The universe always fall in love with a stubborn heart

We all have a sequence of events, no matter how much time it takes, how tired you are, how may times you've wished to let go, you'll turn up exactly where you always wished to be, for people play unfair, the universe doesn't. Identify the sequence and say what you feel, before you are too late, waiting is a mistake.

For, "When nine hundred years old you reach. look as good you will not. Go young Skywalker, May the 'force' be with you." This was coming, you saw it coming right? Anyone, hi-five? No? Yoda??

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FAITH

The Dictionary tells us it is a strong belief.

We live in moments, moments from our past, moments that never happened, and those from our future. We live in years ago to seconds ago and imagining ourselves in situations that never have and will never occur, and then we think about the consequences it would have had on the upcoming Sunday to the day of our deaths, and we grieve upon them, wishing they never happen or they did. We have our own miseries and battles of everyday, but the sorrows of our past and the worries of our future are our walking stick, we just can't take a step without them!

"I've learned."

"I've moved on."

"I don't care anymore."

"I've realized I never wanted it."

Loosing something or someone takes a great toll, it rips apart your mind and soul, it keeps you awake nights on the end, making you wish you never had feelings. You sit by the window sill gazing at the night sky and wait for a shooting star to drop by. It takes courage to say goodbyes, the pain never goes away and no time doesn't heal; it just makes live with your scars, the pain, making you believe it has always been there. You have to either hold on or let go. It's always easier to run, to replace the pain with something numb, you wish you could let go but you are afraid to move forward ever again, for you are afraid to have another past. But one eternity later when you are about to make peace with the pain and finally decide to live exist, you bump into them and everything you ever had comes rushing back.

"I've learned." to live with it.

"I've moved on." to believing it was a lie.

"I don't care anymore." about anything else.

"I've realized I never wanted it." I always needed it.

There's is a difference between what people hear when you say something and what you heard in your own voice.

"What has happened cannot be changed" Yes you cannot, but you can change what's going to happen in the next few seconds, hours, days and years. All you need is something from that one goddamned person, whom Disney calls 'your fairy godmother'. No they don't do anything, no magic does not exist; it's not a Peter Pan tale! and no they are not always mothers, sometimes not even humans, or fairies for that matter. They are someone, something, some post, or a 5 word-line hidden in 75000 other, a few letter that spell out to you, F-A-I-T-H.

Though the star aligned in favor of my fate,

The darkness the night bought, ruined my faith.

P.S. It's your chance take it, remember, a man who believes his own lie, cannot lift the hammer, because he is not worthy. Get it? Marvel people? No?

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F.E.A.R.

"Forget Everything And Run"

"Face Everything And Rise"

"First Encounter Assault Recon" maybe? No. Gamers?

Height? Water? Closed room, dark, audience, death?

What do we fear? Why are we afraid? What crosses your mind when you hear the word?

We have been so afraid of so may things but we love them and name them like we name our pets,  like hippomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words, seriously? Why do we name them? So that we could categorize them and we could say "That I'm afraid of this something" and calm ourselves that there is nothing to worry, I'm afraid of just one thing. 

Actually, we are afraid of everything because we, are afraid of loss. We tend to become so possessive about everything that passes by us that we begin to fear loosing it. Acrophobia, because we fear falling off and die thereby loose our life. Aqua phobia, claustrophobia, fears of suffocating to death by water and closed room, nyctophobia, a ghost will stab me if I couldn't see it in the dark, Stage phobia? I'd just choke up and loose my pride and confidence and everything.

Offensive? Well it offended me too, believe me, I've been in those shoes, but for a second think of someone you love, something you want, someone you want to be, but they just come over to you to say "I don't think it's working", the price of that ring in the jewelry store just hyped, you were demoted to an associate for the 5 minutes you were late by to a meeting, and now you give up or fight. Face everything and rise? You won't move on, you won't buy some other ring anyway, or face defeat in an un-fought battle. This thing remains at the back of your head and nudges you. You are on the internet searching "Could I...?" and you hear what you want even though it took the other side a million times, and then you search "How can I...?" You work, fight, save, develop, do everything in your limits and when you stop, it nudges you again and then you do what's beyond you. You make a move and then you wait to get a chance to make another. But this thing keeps nudging you, and you are on the internet again searching "Will I ever...?" You ask their friends, family, spy on them, stalk them, to  know if they have started dating someone; you stop near that shop to see if that ring is still in the display; pass by the office to see if someone is sitting on that chair. You spend years of your life at that one goddamned thing, and one day when you think you are just inches away, you ask them out, you walk in that shop, on your way to boss's office with you best report ever and hear - taken, sold, occupied.

You were the first to think to about climbing the Everest, but you couldn't earlier because you weren't ready, but today you have been through 39 days 11 hours and 8500m above sea-level on this torturous piece of land after months of training. You are a day away, might be less and there you meet one guy climbing downhill, "Howdy, where are you coming from?" you ask. "Uphill, I just marked my flag up there, it's so pleasant there, calm and chilly" and everything comes crashing down. All these eight thousand meters this guy had always been ahead of you, just that you never knew. What do you do? Climb up and never be, or  climb down and pretend it never was.

If you feel it, your trembling feet, shivering hands and dry mouth that's the fear of loss, a phobia without a name, at least Google doesn't know.


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A Wedding Gift

It was just another day, another evening, the best evening like it was expected to be, after all, it was my wedding day. The entire villa was engulfed in lights that shone bright enough to blind the sun. My groom awaited me, impatiently, sitting by the holy fire. I can't say what I felt at the moment, all I remember of it is excitement and fear. I had nothing to be afraid though, we had been planning this day for years now. I walked down the stairs to the lawn.

My father, the ex-army-commander sat there by his son-in-law, sharing his army-stories in fits of laughter. I smiled at him and told my ladies that I needed a bit of personal time and walked towards the washroom in the remote corner of the lawn.

When I walked out, I saw my dad's friends standing right outside the door, away from the reaches of light.

"He... he... hello, uncle" I, I stammered. I had never stammered, but sure had been afraid. I could see the devil in their eyes.

I screamed, I shouted I yelled for help; or I just think I did. I passed out suffocating from the cloth in my mouth or his hand over my face, or probably from the pain. Next thing, I remember, I woke up beside a speeding road, in the midst of nowhere. Blood streaked down my thighs.

I never saw them again, my family, I never saw them. I confronted my dad though, he never believed me and pushed me off his property. He said he lost his pride because of what I did on my wedding, I lost mine too, to what was done to me. My groom? The love of my life? Well him, he has a gorgeous wife and a beautiful daughter.

All I have now, except the lost everything, are two syringes of cannonball. I've never tried it earlier, hell, not even alcohol. But here, it reads on the bottle, anything more than 1.5 ml is a sure death, and now all I have to do is stare at the clock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

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