FAITH

The Dictionary tells us it is a strong belief.

We live in moments, moments from our past, moments that never happened, and those from our future. We live in years ago to seconds ago and imagining ourselves in situations that never have and will never occur, and then we think about the consequences it would have had on the upcoming Sunday to the day of our deaths, and we grieve upon them, wishing they never happen or they did. We have our own miseries and battles of everyday, but the sorrows of our past and the worries of our future are our walking stick, we just can't take a step without them!

"I've learned."

"I've moved on."

"I don't care anymore."

"I've realized I never wanted it."

Loosing something or someone takes a great toll, it rips apart your mind and soul, it keeps you awake nights on the end, making you wish you never had feelings. You sit by the window sill gazing at the night sky and wait for a shooting star to drop by. It takes courage to say goodbyes, the pain never goes away and no time doesn't heal; it just makes live with your scars, the pain, making you believe it has always been there. You have to either hold on or let go. It's always easier to run, to replace the pain with something numb, you wish you could let go but you are afraid to move forward ever again, for you are afraid to have another past. But one eternity later when you are about to make peace with the pain and finally decide to live exist, you bump into them and everything you ever had comes rushing back.

"I've learned." to live with it.

"I've moved on." to believing it was a lie.

"I don't care anymore." about anything else.

"I've realized I never wanted it." I always needed it.

There's is a difference between what people hear when you say something and what you heard in your own voice.

"What has happened cannot be changed" Yes you cannot, but you can change what's going to happen in the next few seconds, hours, days and years. All you need is something from that one goddamned person, whom Disney calls 'your fairy godmother'. No they don't do anything, no magic does not exist; it's not a Peter Pan tale! and no they are not always mothers, sometimes not even humans, or fairies for that matter. They are someone, something, some post, or a 5 word-line hidden in 75000 other, a few letter that spell out to you, F-A-I-T-H.

Though the star aligned in favor of my fate,

The darkness the night bought, ruined my faith.

P.S. It's your chance take it, remember, a man who believes his own lie, cannot lift the hammer, because he is not worthy. Get it? Marvel people? No?

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F.E.A.R.

"Forget Everything And Run"

"Face Everything And Rise"

"First Encounter Assault Recon" maybe? No. Gamers?

Height? Water? Closed room, dark, audience, death?

What do we fear? Why are we afraid? What crosses your mind when you hear the word?

We have been so afraid of so may things but we love them and name them like we name our pets,  like hippomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words, seriously? Why do we name them? So that we could categorize them and we could say "That I'm afraid of this something" and calm ourselves that there is nothing to worry, I'm afraid of just one thing. 

Actually, we are afraid of everything because we, are afraid of loss. We tend to become so possessive about everything that passes by us that we begin to fear loosing it. Acrophobia, because we fear falling off and die thereby loose our life. Aqua phobia, claustrophobia, fears of suffocating to death by water and closed room, nyctophobia, a ghost will stab me if I couldn't see it in the dark, Stage phobia? I'd just choke up and loose my pride and confidence and everything.

Offensive? Well it offended me too, believe me, I've been in those shoes, but for a second think of someone you love, something you want, someone you want to be, but they just come over to you to say "I don't think it's working", the price of that ring in the jewelry store just hyped, you were demoted to an associate for the 5 minutes you were late by to a meeting, and now you give up or fight. Face everything and rise? You won't move on, you won't buy some other ring anyway, or face defeat in an un-fought battle. This thing remains at the back of your head and nudges you. You are on the internet searching "Could I...?" and you hear what you want even though it took the other side a million times, and then you search "How can I...?" You work, fight, save, develop, do everything in your limits and when you stop, it nudges you again and then you do what's beyond you. You make a move and then you wait to get a chance to make another. But this thing keeps nudging you, and you are on the internet again searching "Will I ever...?" You ask their friends, family, spy on them, stalk them, to  know if they have started dating someone; you stop near that shop to see if that ring is still in the display; pass by the office to see if someone is sitting on that chair. You spend years of your life at that one goddamned thing, and one day when you think you are just inches away, you ask them out, you walk in that shop, on your way to boss's office with you best report ever and hear - taken, sold, occupied.

You were the first to think to about climbing the Everest, but you couldn't earlier because you weren't ready, but today you have been through 39 days 11 hours and 8500m above sea-level on this torturous piece of land after months of training. You are a day away, might be less and there you meet one guy climbing downhill, "Howdy, where are you coming from?" you ask. "Uphill, I just marked my flag up there, it's so pleasant there, calm and chilly" and everything comes crashing down. All these eight thousand meters this guy had always been ahead of you, just that you never knew. What do you do? Climb up and never be, or  climb down and pretend it never was.

If you feel it, your trembling feet, shivering hands and dry mouth that's the fear of loss, a phobia without a name, at least Google doesn't know.


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A Wedding Gift

It was just another day, another evening, the best evening like it was expected to be, after all, it was my wedding day. The entire villa was engulfed in lights that shone bright enough to blind the sun. My groom awaited me, impatiently, sitting by the holy fire. I can't say what I felt at the moment, all I remember of it is excitement and fear. I had nothing to be afraid though, we had been planning this day for years now. I walked down the stairs to the lawn.

My father, the ex-army-commander sat there by his son-in-law, sharing his army-stories in fits of laughter. I smiled at him and told my ladies that I needed a bit of personal time and walked towards the washroom in the remote corner of the lawn.

When I walked out, I saw my dad's friends standing right outside the door, away from the reaches of light.

"He... he... hello, uncle" I, I stammered. I had never stammered, but sure had been afraid. I could see the devil in their eyes.

I screamed, I shouted I yelled for help; or I just think I did. I passed out suffocating from the cloth in my mouth or his hand over my face, or probably from the pain. Next thing, I remember, I woke up beside a speeding road, in the midst of nowhere. Blood streaked down my thighs.

I never saw them again, my family, I never saw them. I confronted my dad though, he never believed me and pushed me off his property. He said he lost his pride because of what I did on my wedding, I lost mine too, to what was done to me. My groom? The love of my life? Well him, he has a gorgeous wife and a beautiful daughter.

All I have now, except the lost everything, are two syringes of cannonball. I've never tried it earlier, hell, not even alcohol. But here, it reads on the bottle, anything more than 1.5 ml is a sure death, and now all I have to do is stare at the clock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

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What if?

            We all have that one shot at love, like a sniper, whoosh and pop! You hit it right and the chain of perfect shots begin, your entire worlds seems a new place, your contact is restricted to just one person on this planet and yet it's all you've ever wanted, you believe in magic, you believe that they were sent by smurfs or angels or might be both, who knows! And you don't mind staying up late because you could to talk to them and you don't care what the world has to say about your new food habits, you finally realize how it is to smell heaven, and you no longer need reasons to smile. But what if one of those bullets in the perfect chain doesn't hit the bull's eye, what if doesn't even land on target, it only goes whoosh, no pop?

         "We are not meant to be." "It's over." "I don't want to hurt you, I don't know how to say this..." "We are done." "...I'm breaking up with you." It was just one shot, the wind was way too strong, you could have done nothing, and everything you built up, everything you thought you'd do, you'd be, everything goes downhill, and then you ask yourself, was it all worth it? You have ego clashes and you don't talk with each other, you don't want to see their face, kill them if you may, suffering, pain, agony fuel up your anger, rage and pride, you know what's inside, you know what you have to do, but well your pain looks like your pride.

       In this strongly connected world, why do our hearts fail to connect? We have become so superficial that we may have began to believe what's outside is inside. Maybe the one you were with wasn't "the one" and it was just a part of a mutual attraction, or maybe the one you just broke up, or has dumped you and you lost hope of getting them back, in phrases of was it meant to be? Why do we stick to someone, saying "She's the one", when all you've ever thought about them is what under their clothes rather what's inside them, why do we say to ourselves, life goes on, when we said , "My life? Well she's sleeping at her place."


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Shh! It was just a bad day

She was sitting on the bed, her legs stretched. I crawled on the bed and went close to her and rested my head on her lap. I didn't face her, but her feet.

"Are you okay?" She asked. I nodded and held her tightly.

"Okay" She said and started stroking my hair.

Not that she didn't know something was wrong, but that I wasn't going to say a word. She knew the more she pushed for, the angrier I'll get. For this was not the first time, and wasn't going to be the last either. She had seen this side of me earlier, and well, that was the first time, she saw me at my worst. We don't talk about it. For both of us know, it isn't to be bought up. I tossed and turned a million times, but she just kept stroking my hair.

I got up, looked into her eyes, and then rested my back on the pillow beside her. I pulled her close, she didn't resist, instead rested her head on my chest. I saw her fall asleep, and wished to see her till the end of time

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The Perfect Couple

It had been 2 years, 8 months and 11 minutes of dating this super cute, super-hot, super sexy and super excited girl who never let a chance to surprise me. It has been long time, yet it feels like weeks, we made a million memories, but everything for me still starts and ends at her almond brown eyes that say so much more than what words ever could. They glisten under the moon, and sparkle under the sun; they are deep when she’s low and deeper when she’s jolly and remarkable, when she looks back in mine. Her lips, the perfect shade of pink, her hair brunette, and her hands, so soft; that even silk might just get jealous and when she smiles; God! The whole world stares at her, and yes, the best part, she stares at me, she’s mine. The first time I saw her, I never thought she would be so important to me, I never had the slightest tinge of feelings for her, and now, all I know about love is one word, one name, one person. “We  – the Perfect Couple”… well everyone said so.

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The First Crush.

It's been quite a while, you have grown up and everything has changed, except that 5 second army march in your stooped evening walk. Heads up, back erect, chest broad and walking stiff like a rock, just when you see her face – your First Crush.

Her face just flashed, right here, on this screen? Her name echoed in your ears? Her fragrance struck you? And what is it that I hear? Is it your heart pounding?

First Crush is always the deepest, and you still just remember her, its been years right? You are still thinking about her. No matter what, you are still ready to go for another try with her. Probably you screwed your first chance, and you begged for another one. She never gave you a chance though, and after a while you gave up. You thought it would be easy to forget her. You thought out of sight is out of mind. You thought you’ll never look back, and moved on with life, but there she is, on your mind right now.

Let me bring you a story about two young fellows, Raman and Ananya. These two thirteen year olds, never thought life was going to change for them, forever. Love at first sight was something that they never believe in, love when they got close; still didn’t exist. How they ever met? How the two opposites attracted? Will they ever get together? And what surprises wait for them?

          A story that will take you to the memories of your first love, a story of love, romance and intimacy. A story yet untold.

Hi, I'm Sunain Singh Banga, Author of The First Crush at 13.

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Book to be launched in last week of April, worldwide.

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